TRUE FREEDOM COMES FROM OUR HEART

What does "freedom" mean? Are we living as free people or are we held back by unseen chains in our life? If we believe we have freedom, are our hearts filled with courage and hope to live with a firm purpose as Mahatma Gandhi who inspired millions of people? He truly believed - " We must become the change we want to see in this world." He lived his deep heartfelt conviction and helped bring independence for his beloved homeland, India, without advocating any violence.

The longer I live on this earth, the more I am convinced that many of us make the mistake of believing that the freedom to do anything is the same as having freedom in our hearts to do the right thing! We just have to look at the lives of Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Eva and Hans Rausing and so many others who seem to have all the material wealth and freedom to do anything - and yet they could never have inner peace and true freedom of their heart. Their hearts were imprisoned by the invisible chains of sin - drugs, alcohol and living for their own human desires. They lacked HOPE and a true PURPOSE in life which can only come when we allow God to live in our hearts. The need for a Christ-centred life is what is always proclaimed during the Divine retreats weekly. Each of us need the spiritual discipline to train our hearts to recognize God's Voice and to live according to His Will - not to what people are telling us and expecting us to be or what we want based on our human desires.  When we have faith in God, our hearts are empowered tremendously to have hope and courage - for we know God's Promises in the Holy Bible. I personally find these three Word of God have constantly helped me to be steadfast in my ministry especially in moments of doubts and trials in my life:

• "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
• "My grace is all you need for my power is greatest when you are weak."  (Galatians 2:20)
• "Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fails. Love is eternal. (1 Corinthians 13:7-8) 

The week of 22-27 July 2012 was an amazingly anointed week  here in Divine Retreat Centre. The much awaited POWER 2012 - Divine's 7th International Youth Conference and Couples Retreat -"CHRIST IN YOU - THE  HOPE OF GLORY" (Colossians 1:27) took place. There were around 5000 retreatants in our English campus (including the resource people and volunteers) for Divine's International Family Renewal week - they came from all over India and from 25 countries around the world. It was a moment of great joy that for the very first time, the Apostolic Nuncio to India, His Excellency Archbishop Salvatore Pennacchio inaugurated POWER 2012! Every one of us witnessed a great transformation in the retreatants and even in ourselves as the week went by. Each day, the joy and hope especially in the Youths were so tangible and infectious. 

There were tears and moments of deep intense reflections as they heard the Word of God dynamically preached by Rev. .Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C - Director of Divine Retreat Centre, Rev. Fr. Michael Payyapilly V.C.  - Asst. Director, Divine Retreat Centre, Rev. Fr. Joseph Edattu V.C. - Asst. Director (Malayalam Retreats), Most Rev. Julian Prowse - Auxiliary Bishop of Sydney (Episcopal Vicar for Renewal  & Evangelization), Australia, the "Rapping Friar" and star of World Youth Days - Rev. Fr. Stan Fortuna CFFR from New York, USA, Rev. Fr. Andre Patenoude known as "Our Lady's Trobaudor" from USA, Jude Antoine from Malaysia, Lalith Pereira from Sri Lanka and Divine's lay preachers.

Rapping Friar - Rev. Fr. Stan Fortuna CFFR from New York, USA

Our Lady's Troubadour - Rev. Fr. Andre Patenaude, USA

I cannot find the words to describe the beautiful Spirit-filled Praise & Worship sessions of the POWER 2012 music ministry bands: Divine's very own Singing Couple - Glen & Teresa La Rive and the Soul Welfare Band, and the greatly anointed music ministry teams: the FAITH Band from Goa, India  the EMPOWERED Youth Music Ministry Band from Sarawak, Malaysia, the Slovakian Singers from Slovakia and Sri Lanka's Risen Lord Community. The incredible Power of the Holy Spirit filled the retreat halls - the joy in the Youths and Couples prayerfully worshipping and also dancing in great joy for God with total freedom in their hearts was a sight to behold! It was just each of them  in union with Christ!

There were so many God-experiences that were shared by the youths and couples. I personally had quite a number of them from India, Malaysia, Qatar and Mauritius share with me their personal experiences of Jesus during POWER 2012. They know without a doubt - this was just the beginning of fulfilling Christ's mission in their lives. Their mission has begun! As for all of us in Divine, we can only thank God from the depths of our hearts for the huge privilege of being called to serve here and to do what He empowers each of us to do - "Go throughout the whole world and preach the gospel to all mankind." (Mark 16:15) It felt like He brought the world to us in this special blessed week. The Divine Youth Team, the volunteers, the workers and most of all the V.C. Fathers will all definitely agree - in Christ, we truly witnessed the Hope of His Glory in all the retreatants as they returned to their own countries and homes. Every one of us know ONE true fact - we can only live with full freedom when we TOTALLY surrender our lives to Jesus. When He is in full control of every moment that we live, we are set free forever!  

At the top of this post is the YouTube pictorial music video of DIVINE's POWER 2012 MEMORIES - "Christ In You - the hope of glory" (Col. 1:27) set to Matt Redman's song "We Are the Free" which was the theme song for POWER 2012. 

 Let us pray for the Fire of the Holy Spirit to burn brightly forever 

in the hearts of every POWER 2012 retreatant.

 A great REVIVAL has begun!

WHEN GOD’S PLAN IS DIFFERENT…

I have been doing a lot of personal reflection again about my life this month of June. In fact, I am amazed that I could do so much given that it was a super hectic month for me. Well, that is something I am sure all my SES classmates are also doing a lot of this year – as I reach the golden milestone tomorrow!

Where have the years gone by so quickly? Have I fulfilled my cherished dreams? Have I truly loved living my life to the full? Have I been too busy for the people who truly matter to me? Have I stopped and made a difference to people who needed my help? Have I dared to live for what I believe in? Have I been open to surrender my life to God and to change within myself? Most of all, have I been true to my conscience? These and what seems like a hundred more questions have been stirring my soul greatly…

It seemed a strange “coincidence” but during the Inner Healing session last Thursday, our director focussed part of the session on our death, lying in the coffin and looking into the kind of life we had led. I was very taken aback – this was usually never a part of the Inner Healing session – often it focussed on our parents’ deaths. Obviously God was speaking to me(!) because that has been on my mind a lot – would my life be one that mattered to God in how I  tried to live for Him? Have I tried my best to live a life of quiet humility, of service, of loving others with a gentleness and acceptance without judging or expecting them to conform to my standards? I look back at my life and I know one thing for sure – I have failed many times to be perfectly pleasing to God. But what matters is I am trying consciously to change – that is the painful part and the enriching part! 

I have always been a firm believer in CHANGE especially during my career. Doing the same thing is boring, it makes us mediocre and just working in maintenance mode and eventually the company will become a piece of deadwood. We must be creative, be willing to pursue new and higher goals, be willing to take risks and to aim to be the best! Well, why should it be different in our journey of faith – when it is what will lead us to Eternal Life in Heaven?  There is now a burning desire within me - "Am I striving to live for Christ with the goal to be what He wants me to be?"

There is something very different about secular life and living a life of faith. That is what Fr. Augustine shared so beautifully with my friends and me on 20 June. Father shared that when we live for Christ, we need to know what God wants of us. We must stop from being “Martha’ always doing some activity for God and be more like “Mary” – sitting at the Feet of Jesus and listening to Him. We must forget about being efficient and doing great things. Are we listening to God? We need to have true discernment. Often we may not know the answer and Fr. Augustine shared the difficulties he has encountered being the Director of the mission. There were times he did not know what to do with so many needs from Divine’s evangelization and charitable ministries. At those moments, Father would shut his door (after carrying out his mission work) to remain in prayer and eventually God will show the way – it may take days! What Is needed is patience on our part with God and He will show the way! We need to turn to Jesus and pray.

At times I wonder – how much of time does one sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament in silence allowing Jesus to speak to our hearts and by reflecting on the Bible? Often I see people praying endlessly from prayer books and other devotions. It seems like a one-way conversation of offering up intentions and asking God to answer them. One of the greatest gifts I learnt in Divine is the beauty of remaining still in the Presence of Jesus and allowing Jesus to speak to my heart and to guide and lead me in my ministry. I was a “Martha”...I probably still am in terms of work but then so are all the VC priests in this Divine mission - each with huge responsibilities. But one thing is different - it is my attitude to my ministry. I have learnt that God has His time and I need to have the faithfulness, obedience and humility to pray, wait and do everything at the time God wants me to and how He wants me to do it. It is not easy but perseverance is also a gift from God!

I was used to always being in a leadership role in my career and now I have learnt that I am His servant. God has chosen us to be His people. It Is not for us to decide who will be worthy to serve Christ. None of us are worthy but if God is giving us a chance, who are we, mere humans, to stop others under the pretext that we are doing it in God’s Name? This knowledge was imprinted in my heart when I spoke to Fr. Augustine sometime in my 1^st year in Divine (in 2004). I asked Father why did he have lay volunteers who seemed more a hindrance than a help to the Divine mission? It drove me crazy! I never forgot Father’s answer and it helped me greatly when I struggled to change I how I served God. Fr. Augustine’s reply to me was, “Susan, God sent all of them to be a part of this mission. As the Director, I have to look at the lowest denominator and help every volunteer to do their best. I have to mould them, teach them and encourage them to serve God as best they can. God sent them here and I am merely His steward. I too was called by God to serve here as the Director. I must do my best to help them to live their mission.”

It was at that precise moment that I realized why it is such a joy to work for this mission – especially for our Director, Fr. Augustine, who never stresses me with what I should be to serve God. Believe me, God has been very patiently pruning and moulding me but He has not stopped me from serving Him! I do get stressed trying to cope with working for a super-busy priest but it has reduced greatly due to Father’s unflappable belief that I can achieve/complete whatever Divine projects with seemingly impossible deadlines/goals because God will help our mission! It definitely keeps me always rooted in depending on Christ. Every one of us – regardless of our so-called skills and talents – are loved for being a child of God. The VC Fathers are non-judgemental, nurturing and very caring in helping us live our Call. They teach us by their lives (not by words) to be detached from worldly attachments and to live with God’s Spirit in control of our lives. We can see it so clearly in the VC Fathers in Divine – they are very humble, gentle, loving, joyful and peaceful. It has shown me that in any aspect of our life journey, we cannot put ourselves above others - especially in areas of faith, service and mission but to journey together with a shared vision of Christ.

I have learnt to let go of being irritable and frustrated at people and learning to pray for God’s Grace and Power to help each of us and our mission. When I started doing so, I felt great calm and a quiet joy in my heart. All the stress I used to feel just went away. Now I know for sure stress is caused when our spirit is not united with God’s Spirit. As Fr. Augustine often preaches, “We must surrender completely to God and allow God to be in total control of our lives!” There is no ifs and buts to this – we must never allow another person to control our lives. Each of us MUST learn to discern by the Power of God’s Spirit and His Word what God‘s Plan is for us. Our Lord speaks to each and every one of us.

Often I have found that my plan and God’s Plan are different! I had been planning to return to Singapore on this date today since late November 2010. It was my own human thinking because I felt it would have been 8 years and logically, I had to return one day. In fact, I was preparing myself mentally and I was to the point when I felt I could perhaps leave without crying endlessly at doing so because I love the Divine mission greatly. Well, God had obviously a vastly different plan and last year proved it! It took a while for me to stop feeling shell-shocked and realizing I was praying for God’s strength to be able to move on but I did not ask God if that is His Plan for me! Many people were saying I had to return to my usual life as I am not from India. Well, God left me in no doubt.

I am not too old that I cannot become a better person with the Grace of God. I am not ready to sit back and say the best is over. No indeed – the best is yet to come! I aim to live every moment of my life for God with full enthusiasm, full energy, full faith and with full love. After all is it not true for me what God told St. Paul? “My grace is all you need, for my power is strongest when you are weak.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9)  

This deeply comforting YouTube music video below  – “WHEN GOD HAS ANOTHER PLAN “ by The Greenes truly touched my heart when I heard it for the first time a few days ago.   The lyrics below is what I have learnt in my life:

When God Has Another Plan, Walk On And Just Say Yes
When God Has Another Plan, Be Assured That He Knows Best
When All Your Dreams Are Shattered, Rest In His Sufficient Grace
We Don’t Have To Understand, When God Has Another Plan

For me - I only want to learn to live as a servant of Christ. God has given me a wonderful life filled with great blessings. I have NO regrets.

I just got this after writing this post few minutes ago in an online meditation I subscribe to. How wonderful God is – surely He is showing me He is definitely with me at this moment! 

What I desire most is to be faithful and to finish the race. It doesn't matter if I finish running or crawling; all I want is to finish and hear the Father say to me, 
“Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23).
 — from Hiking the Camino

I dedicate this post to all my friends and loved ones who have shared with me much joy and strength in my life...

WAIT AND PRAY – THERE IS NO TURNING BACK

 Divine’s 32^nd National Family Renewal week – “From Glory to Glory” (2 Corinthians 3:18) had just ended on Friday. It was an incredible week with nearly 3500 retreatants in our English campus. It was wonderful to see people of all ages around as there was special retreats for Youth, Couples, Children and Tiny tots! I felt like I had to go through an obstacle course to get to my room as there were people everywhere during the meal breaks.  It has been like this for the whole month of May! Yet over the years, I have had a great change in my view of being in the midst of crowds here in Divine. I have always felt claustrophobic since my school days being in the midst of many people. I would often begin to hyperventilate, feel faint and get anxiety attacks. I never like having people seated or standing too close on either side of me – yes till today! Well, being in this retreat centre, one cannot escape the crowds especially during the special retreats. But I now feel very happy seeing this retreat centre filled to the brim – it means that there are so many people being called by God to be in His Presence and to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to carry out our one mission in life. And what is that mission? Our Director, Fr. Augustine Vallooran’s homily during the final mass on Friday left no one in doubt – our ONE reason to live is to spread the Message of Love of our God!  

It is the Feast of Pentecost today. I am just so grateful for the beautiful transforming Touch of God upon my heart and mind when I least expected it. I did not know my ministry was being affected yet that is what I realized has been happening these past 10 months. Although, I still love being a part of the Divine mission, I had lost the edge in my zeal and passion in my life. I was not fully aware I was doing so. I had gone through a difficult period in my life last year and the best way I could handle it was to not “feel” for others or anything (including my ministry!) the way I usually did. When I was detached and focussed on the work aspect of my ministry, it helped me focus and carry on.  The last thing I needed was any more major upheavals in my life. I felt numbed and a sense of disconnect even with people I care greatly for. Even then, I thought it was for my own good.

Fr. Michael Payyapilly V.C.

God obviously decided I needed a wake-up call and it began with one of the most amazing Holy Mass celebration I have experienced in my life – by Fr. Michael Payyapilly V.C., Assistant Director of this retreat centre. Fr. Michael who had fallen and hurt his knee badly had with great love and courage given one of the most inspiring homilies I have heard him preach! The deep anointing and Presence of the Holy Spirit during this Youth Mass celebration on Wednesday was incredibly powerful. I remember weeping silently from the “Lord Have Mercy” until the Prayer before Communion – “This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.” A few Youths (boys) who were seated ahead of me had also wept silently at some parts during the Mass.

I actually felt the weight of a veil enveloping me completely. It was the second time in my life I had this vivid experience. The first time was also in Divine in mid-May 2004! I just realized it now as I am writing - then it led to me agreeing to return back to India a month later and serve what I thought would be a 6-month stint. Well, I am still here! Obviously if I had any idea then I would be here 8 years later, I seriously doubt I would have agreed. It is a good thing my human wisdom will never prevail against God’s Wisdom!   

Fr. Michael’s words unravelled the defensive cocoon I had been living in. I felt Jesus speaking to me directly through Fr. Michael - “You have every right to be here. I have chosen you to be here. I am committed to you. I want you to be with Me. Be committed to me. I want you to live for me. Forget about everything else. I am with you!” It is when the healing process started in my heart. Though it will take time, I know my heart is safe with God. I need to wait, pray, listen and do what God wants of me. Nothing else should hinder me - not people, circumstances or my own feelings. 

Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C.

 Fr. Augustine’s Friday homily continued to pierce my heart as he shared the meaning of the Gospel passage Luke 10:38-42 about Martha and Mary. While Martha was being busy doing all the housework and cooking and serving Jesus and the other guests, Mary was just sitting at the Feet of Jesus and listening to Jesus. When Martha complained about Mary, Jesus told her -”Indeed only one thing is necessary and Mary has chosen the better part." (Luke 10:42)

What was the problem? Fr. Augustine explained that while Martha was doing the right things, she had the wrong attitude. Now that was a bull’s-eye hit to my heart! By trying to to live my life in a “detached way”, love which was always the source of my great passion  was being suppressed and hence the edge I always had – my zeal for my ministry and my life was affected.  I would like to share SOME EXCERPTS OF FR. AUGUSTINE'S HOMILY that is wisdom-filled and practical for us in our daily life:

In the Gospel passage above, Jesus is speaking of the restructuring of our lives. We cannot live as we do today. We will continue to be worried, troubled, sad, humiliated, betrayed and judgemental.

What is it that tires us? It is not hard physical work. It is the mental stress – it is the negative emotions that tire us.

The necessary thing in life is to sit at the Feet of Jesus and listen to God’s Voice!

How can we reorder/restructure our way of living? We MUST listen to the Voice of God and be in His Presence. Jesus has promised us, “You abide in Me and I will abide in you.” (John 15:4)

Why is it we cannot hear the Voice of God? We need to understand the beautiful passage from the First Book of Samuel Chapter 3, verse 1 onwards. There is a very special explanation why Samuel did not know the Voice of God  - “Samuel was not familiar with the voice of God. (1 Samuel 3:6)

That is the BIG challenge to each of us. WAIT and PRAY – listen to what God has to say!

Before we make any new decisions, we must  make our life a continued obedience to God. I must only go where God wants me to go. I must wait and pray. We are not ready to be patient. We are used to an “instant” culture wanting things our way (ego prevails).

When conflicts in family and institutions arise, it is the experience of God that must prevail.  We must be ready to be servants of God. ‘What does God want to tell me? I must always be ready to listen to God’s Voice.

When the Holy Spirit is in us, we will bear fruit – "But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

What does it mean to have the Fruit of the Spirit? We must do only one thing – ABIDE IN JESUS!

Whatever happens to me, I will turn to Jesus who will tell ne what I am to do / how I am to take it. I will get the consolation and hope of the Holy Spirit.

If you decide to love, you must be ready to be hurt. There is pain but there is a second movement in my heart – Turn to Jesus! Speak to Jesus! Listen to Jesus!

When love flows into hurt, the pain and anger vanishes.

It Is not easy to write of this personal experience in my life – but if it helps even one friend in a small way, then it is worth sharing! I am blessed to be constantly inspired and challenged by the anointed preaching of Fr. Augustine and Fr. Michael – a wonderful Grace from God!

God has called each of us to spread His Message of Love to the world. Below is a YouTube pictorial video set to an apt hymn - “NO TURNING BACK” - written and sung by Divine’s Singing Couple, Glen and Teresa La Rive. I have included photos of the Anointing Session of the 32^nd National Family Renewal Week Retreat.

Let us thank God for His Spirit in us that make our life

beautiful!, vibrant and alive!!!

ACT AS IF YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IT DOES - [William James]

"There are different ways of serving, but the same Lord is served. 

There are different abilities to perform service, 

but the same God gives ability to all for 

their particular service.” 

(1 Corinthians 12:6)

"I have no time to help any cause now." "I will do some volunteer work when I am retired." "There are so many more talented people around. I am just an ordinary person." These are a few of quite a number of similar comments I got from people  who knew or  met me after I decided to serve as a fulltime volunteer in India. They would express how much they always wanted to help people and how lucky I was to be able to do so...I did wonder whether I had transformed from an ordinary human being to a "superhuman" without my knowledge!  

Yet the Word of God above clearly shows that God gives ALL (not a chosen few!) the ability to serve. In fact, serving others is not something that is a separate aspect of our daily life. If as Christians, we heed our Lord's Call to have a "servant heart" like He did - "The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve." (Matthew 20:28) - then SERVING OTHERS is not an option., it is our duty! For every Christian, it is our mission  to not just know God's Word and proclaim it to all mankind -  but to live His Word. Well, it does not mean all of us have to pack our bags and travel all over the world to preach! That is a common misunderstanding - the best way to proclaim God's Word is without words but by the way we live our lives. As Mahatma Gandhi said, "My life is  my message." 

Since I first started working, I had always supported  charitable works but it was only from a financial aspect. I was always interested in helping needy causes and usually family, colleagues, friends, the church would ask for donations - and I was happy to oblige. I thought that was enough. Not much effort except for donating money. I thought I was being a relatively good Catholic...

This "detached contentment" lasted until my 1st night in Divine on 14 February 1998 when I came for my initial retreat. Lying on the upper bunk bed, I used a torchlight to read my new Bible. It was after 11.00 p.m. and all the lights were out but it was definitely too early for me to sleep! The moment I opened my Bible, the light fell on the bible verse James 2:14 - "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but do not have good works? Can faith save you?"  This Word of God truly pierced my heart - it seemed like a thick wall of indifference shattered within me. My Catholic faith was something I took for granted. I distinctly remember asking myself, "What is my faith? What is there in my life that I can proclaim my faith?" While I was still reeling from the suddenness and intensity of these questions, my eyes fell on another verse - "Be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves." (James 1:22)  I knew at that moment I could no longer live the life I led before. It was a life-changing moment for me - even before I even heard one talk in the retreat I came to attend. Much later, when I read Hebrews 4:12 - "The word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword. It cuts all  the way through, to where the soul and spirit meet, to where joints and marrow come together. It judges the desire and thoughts of man's heart." - I knew I had experienced the  truth of this Word of God.  

How can we show our faith in our works? I used to keep my Catholic faith a very private issue. It used to puzzle me when colleagues and clients from around the world would ask me if I was a Catholic. I would answer "Yes" and asked how they knew and the answer I usually got was - "You have a Catholic conscience - must be the fact you have to make a Confession if you do something wrong." This would make others laugh and I would feel a little embarrassed - as if I was caught out on something best not known. Now years later, I will be grateful to God if my Catholic identity is clear to everyone i meet unlike before. The world we live in is now a very multi-cultural and multi-religious community. Of course, we need to respect each person's faith but it should not mean we sanitize our faith to the point that we are afraid to be identified as followers of Christ. We need to love as Christ does - a radical love - one that reaches out to those who are in need to know God as well as for those who are marginalized and suffering in our community and around the world. Pope Benedict XVI in his inspiring First Encyclical, Deus Caritas Est (God is Love) wrote, "I wish in my first Encyclical to speak of the love which God lavishes upon us and which we in turn must share with others."

I know I need to stay rooted in God. In my ministry here in India, I have found my strength and the great will to make a Christian difference from my daily prayers and meditation. It is something that came into my life so quietly that I did not realize the change at first. But I know my capacity to love has increased and I am calmer - it is because of the Power of the Holy Spirit. I needed for God's Word to flourish in my heart for my life to have true meaning in learning how to serve others.   When the Holy Spirit leads and guides us, we will find it within ourselves to care for those who we do not know; to have courage to raise awareness  and help for a worthy cause; to persevere and not give up even when raising needed funds may take years and seem futile; to not just say, "When I am rich, I will help the poor; and most of all to trust in God's Providence."

What is "love"'? One main aspect of Christ's Love is to "remember those who are suffering as though you are suffering as they are." (Hebrews 13:3)

Not everyone is called to go out and to serve as a fulltime missionary or for charitable causes. However, as Christians, each of us must obey Jesus' command - "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another. This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35) We cannot separate serving God and others from our daily life. Our faith has to be the reason we live. 

I prepared the YouTube music video above: SERVE OTHERS - BE THE DIFFERENCE! to share some of my favourite Inspirational Quotes on Serving Others set to the music "WE ARE ONE" from Lion King.      

God has called each of us to serve others - Let us make THE Difference for Christ!

GOD'S DIVINE CALL TO US - BE MY "EASTER PEOPLE"

Yet another Holy Week with the celebration of Easter Sunday has gone by.  Holy Week has never been the same for me after some members of my family, friends and I came for a PASSOVER retreat in Divine in 1999. I remember weeping nonstop throughout the Good Friday service and finishing the tissue packs of two of my friends who were on either side of me. It was an  overwhelming personal spiritual experience - the movie "Passion of Christ" had a lesser impact than what I "saw and felt" during the Stations of the Cross - being there while Jesus was scourged, tortured, being jeered at, stoned, beaten while on His walk to Calvary and finally crucified - because of all our sins. Because of my sins!!! I did not have to think of others' sins because even if it was to save one soul for His Father - mine - Jesus would have still done it! 

Yet, no matter how profound Easter 1999 was for me, and I realized Jesus dying for me so that I could gain Eternal Life in Heaven, the radical changes I needed to make in how I lived my life did not happen on a permanent basis then. There were definitely changes - I wanted to live for Christ but somehow it was more of thinking-level in my mind than from deep within my heart. Why? Because I had yet to really know God's Word to us - the Bible.

It is only since Holy Week 2007, the whole Passion of Our Lord, created a huge internal upheaval in my heart. I was home with my dad who was then in his last few months of his life. My father was too ill to go for the Good Friday service. In fact, the day before, he had for the very first time requested to have the Last Rites by our priest to be given to him.  I had been ensuring he received the Anointing of the Sick every six months since 2000. It was Maundy Thursday and I was in Singapore getting some needed medical supplies for my dad and was rushing to get back to my hometown. When I got my Mum's call, I realized without a doubt - this was my last Easter with my father who I loved with all my heart. He had sacrificed everything in his life for our family. Three priests came to anoint my father upon his request!

On Good Friday, I stayed back with my dad at home while my youngest sister (who had also flown back) took my Mum and eldest sister and  nephew to church for the Stations of the Cross. As I sat by my dad's bed, I asked him if he wanted me to pray the Stations of the Cross. He immediately answered softly and weakly, "Yes!" because despite his frail condition, he had wanted to go to church and was very disappointed when we explained it was too long a service on such a hot and humid afternoon. As we prayed, where he slowly repeated the prayers with me, I was weeping in my heart because the Way of the Cross of Jesus suddenly seemed like these last few months of my father's life - one of suffering and pain - and yet I could not  personally take any of my father's pain away. I imagined God seeing His only Son, Jesus, being tortured beyond human limits and letting it happen - so my father will have Eternal Life as would you and me!  Good Friday became so tangibly real when I could not bear to see my once healthy and active father now being in pain and suffering silently. Yet, my dad never showed any anger or frustration. As I prayed with him, I realized that all this while, Jesus  still seemed separated from me unlike my dad who was so real - so I felt his pain and suffering so much. 

It was indeed my last Easter with my father - in fact Easter Sunday 2007 was also on 08 April like this year. We had to rush my dad to hospital by ambulance on Easter Sunday night when he developed breathing difficulties but he pulled through. Thus, this Holy Week brought back many memories for me because of so many changes in my life since then...of my dad's great love for me AND of Jesus' GREATEST LOVE for me! It was through my daily meditation of the Bible that God has since led me into a closer and deeper relationship with Him. God was no longer an abstract entity!

It is in losing my father's physical presence in my life that made me realize how much Jesus' Love brought me Comfort and Peace in knowing my father had run his best in his race of faith on earth. His prize is surely a place in Heaven with Our Lord! I guess as children, we never outgrow in that confidence of our parents' love no matter how old we are! Our parents are pillars of great support, encouragement and love...a "constant" we somehow expect to have our entire lifetime. 

Yet only Jesus can give us that unfailing assurance as per his Promise upon His Resurrection - "And behold,  I am with you always, until the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)  How amazing is the depth of our Eternal Father's Love for us - of asking His only Son, Jesus, to shed EVERY drop of His Blood  for me, for you, and for the entire world to save us. What is also difficult is trying to comprehend the complete humility in Jesus to ONLY do His Father's Will and not His Own even if we still do not care or deeply experience how incredible His sacrifice was! How many Easters have come and gone where I have tried to be conscious to be a "good Christian" just during Lenten Season and then reverting to my normal way of life. There was no deep permanent change in me. Talk about compartmentalizing my life - doing good for about 40-odd days out of the 365 days of each year until 2008! 

This Easter as our Director, Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., was preaching the Easter Vigil homily, I began to ponder on Fr. Augustine's call for us to be an "EASTER PEOPLE". Suddenly the thought came to me - What does it mean to be an "EASTER PEOPLE?" After the Vigil Mass and Easter fellowship, I went back to my office and sat in silence reading the 4 Gospels of when Jesus appeared to Mary Magdala and His disciples and it finally became crystal clear to me how we live as "EASTER PEOPLE" based on Jesus' own words. It is  Jesus' Mission to each one of us...  

"Peace be with you." - (Matthew 28:9)  - Jesus first words' to Mary Madgala upon His Resurrection.

"Peace be with you" (John 20:19,21) - Jesus first words to the disciples upon His Resurrection.

It is then Jesus gave His GREAT COMMISSION to the disciples and to every one of us who are Christians:

"Go throughout  the whole world and preach the gospel to all mankind." (Mark 16:15) 

Each of the gospels make it very clear what is every Christian's mission - so that we live as God's EASTER PEOPLE. How ignorant I have been to the real message of Easter all these years!

In a very personal way, this Easter Sunday (08 April), Jesus gave me clarity of His Call for me when I least expected it - a day I will now remember with heartfelt gratitude to God instead of just poignant memories of these past 5 years...of my last week with my dad before I returned to India.  

Below is a YouTube pictorial video  - MEMORIES OF HOLY WEEK 2011 IN DIVINE - one of the most special retreat week, PASSOVER RETREAT, in Divine Retreat Centre, set to the hymn "NOTHING BUT YOUR BLOOD" by Matt Redman. My hope is that each of you will one day come and share a memorable Holy Week with us here in Divine! 

RETREAT REFLECTION - WHERE DO I START?

At times I wonder at the questions that come into my heart after being here on this earth for so many years! The more I meditate on the Word of God and try to live it, it just seems like deeper and more soul-searching questions come up from within. Makes me wonder if I am a late-developing Catholic - and that too one who is actually a "cradle" Catholic! 

One thing I learnt in my three years as a Sponsor in the RCIA (Rites of Christian Initiation for Adults) ministry, is that often the faith of those who convert to Catholicism is stronger and deeper than those of us born into it. We, the "cradle" Catholics, tend to take our faith for granted. We did not have to search and yearn to know Jesus and consciously make a decision to live for Him. The greatest  blessing I had from being a part of the RCIA ministry is the chance I had to deepen my own Catholic faith and learning of the existence of a truly valuable book on the Teachings and Doctrines of our Catholic Church -  The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  It answers all the questions about the Catholic Faith and what EVERY Catholic should know about our faith. Even after 10 years, I am very thankful to God for this blessed grace. The fact that I had very challenging questions to answer weekly from the articulate Enquirers in my group during those 3 years, kept me up late quite a few nights! They were truly searching to learn, understand and know Jesus - a fact I truly admired about them.  I never thought about Jesus and my faith like they did! Through sharing my faith experience and reading up on the Catechism of the Catholic Church, I learnt so much about my own faith that I took for granted.  I had to examine deep within myself to answer their questions. 

Till today, I am a firm believer that besides our personal faith experience, we MUST read and meditate on the Bible every day and understand our faith in total obedience to the Teachings of the Catholic Church. Our faith cannot be of the "supermarket" variety - choosing to believe and obey what we are comfortable with.  During our recent annual volunteers' retreat here, our retreat director, Fr. Martin  Kalamparampil V.C.,  Director -  Divine Tabor Ashram,  from Kalyan, Mumbai, India asked us a profound question - "Whose will are we doing as we serve in this retreat centre?  Are we seeking our own interest?" Father quoted the bible verse Philippians 2:21 -"Everyone else is concerned only  with his own affairs, not with the cause of Jesus Christ."  Fr. Martin asked us to reflect - "Is my will centred on Jesus?"  Jesus had His own will yet He obeyed His Father. As Jesus said, "I came into the world not to do my will, but the will of the Father who sent me." (John 6:38)

I was struck deeply in my heart by these words of Fr. Martin to each of us: "I need to surrender completely to God in humility. Nothing I do is because of me. Self-denial and obedience are the two VALUES of Humility." Indeed, St. Francis of Assisi was the son of  one of the richest men in Assissi and yet he gave everything up in self denial. Obedience is SO important. Fr. Martin reiterated this truly important aspect of our faith and in our ministry - "Obedience to your superiors." We must be ALWAYS obedient to the Church's authority and teachings. We must be obedient to our priests. 

Anyone who says there is no need to consult or listen to priests on issues of faith while relying on their own human logic is having the sin of spiritual pride and going against God's Word. It is crucial to have a Spiritual Director to guide us in our faith based on the Word of God and the Church's Teachings. Every priest and every Pope has one - it helps us stay rooted in Christ and learn humility and obedience.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and for ever. Do no let all kinds of strange teaching lead you from the right way. It is good to receive inner strength from God's grace..." (Hebrews 13:8-9) "Obey your leaders and follow their orders. They watch over your souls without resting, since they must give God an account of their service. If you obey them, they will do their work gladly; if not, they will do it with sadness, and that would be of no help to you." (Hebrews 13:17)  To obey our priests, bishops, cardinals and Pope - the Church hierarchy as chosen by God -  is doing God Will. 

One of the questions that burned in my heart these past nine months (and suddenly became my retreat goal the 1st night) is "Where do I start to be truly committed to my Call from God?" What choice do I make?

The YouTube music video  at the top of this post - "All of Me" - a deeply-touching song by Matt Hammit, best captures what is in my heart as I started searching deeply for Jesus to be the "anchor" of my life. He is still leading me through all the storms, upheavals, pain, sadness and doubts that for a while seemed to totally overwhelm me. He gives me the courage I need.

My heart has THE answer that gives me peace - "Jesus, I want You to have ALL of me!"

[Matt Hammitt wrote this song "ALL OF ME" as his baby son was suffering from heart troubles and is of Matt and his family's own faith journey in that period.] 

Below is part of the song's lyrics that truly speaks what is in my heart to Jesus: 

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you.

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me

Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me