Whenever I sing the lyrics of the hymn. "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longs after Thee", I am always reminded that my heart is always yearning for more. It has made me often wonder - more of what? This year our annual Divine Volunteers Retreat was held from 14-17 February 2013. The start date brought back many intense memories for me. It was on that day that I attended my very first retreat in Divine Retreat Centre 15 years ago - 14 February 1998. Prior to the start of this retreat, I was asking myself if I was truly answering the call I felt in my heart after that very first retreat.
Rev. Fr. Rex Pai SJ was our retreat director - an incredibly warm, loving, inspiring priest who was a former Provincial of the Jesuits in India (in charge of national matters). I was still not well and very anxious if I could actually last through the 3 1/2 day retreat. The first hour of the retreat dispelled all my doubts. Fr. Rex's simplicity and clarity in sharing the Ignatian spirituality of how we should live our lives was so simple - yet it was deeply profound! It is about our positive attitude to living a Christian life of love. We were made to visualize many different moments in our lives - was Jesus present? Ultimately, I learnt one thing from the very first day of this retreat - How am I living every moment of my life - am I rooted and grounded in God's Love? I need to be conscious of this every moment of my life.
For those of us in full-time ministry (or me at least!), we can get lulled into feeling we are living for Christ. Well, the more I reflected on my life since that incredible day 15 years ago, I know how much I have had to "unlearn" about the way I used to live.
Jesus is all about LOVE. There are time I hear others emphasizing God is perfect justice when they judge others and show their disapproval. There is one thing that always strikes me - what Fr. Augustine, our Director, often shares during the weekly retreats, "If our God is a God of Justice, then NONE of us will have a chance. God is more than justice. He is Mercy!" The very first time I heard this words, it shook me. For I have judged and condemned people I do not like. Where would that leave me during Judgement Day? It has not been easy for me - it has taken me these last four years to learn to bless and pray for everyone especially those who seemed like a "thorn" in my life. I needed to see others through the Eyes and Heart of God - of what each of us is to Him - "You are precious to me." (Isaiah 43:4) It was VERY difficult at first for me to pray for God to bless those who had hurt me or were making my life difficult but now I feel more inner peace choosing to learn to live this way.
I am not saying one should not be corrected and that we just leave everything to "soft" love and never speaking up. We must always have courage to speak up for Christ! Indeed, while it has been not easy to hear of my own personal failings, I realize that it is only when I am corrected with love but without condemnation, that I turn more to God. At times, I used to wonder how come it seems that God is always correcting me each year but others I know have not been corrected even once? Well, all my moments of self-pity are of the past! I thank God He loves me enough to send wisdom-filled and loving Catholics to help me strive to be a better Catholic. Now, I am far from saintly like Mother Mary or St. Paul or all the Apostles nor do I yet have that IMMENSE Love they have for Christ. But that IS my life' s goal - to share this great Love for Jesus with others!
I often remind myself that EVERY ONE of us is a sinner - and to God 'a sin is a sin'. A sin is a breaking of our personal relationship with God. So none of us have the right to judge and condemn others and make statements that "God will punish you and I do not approve" to others. Two Word of God reminds me of who I am in front of Jesus:
"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgement you pronounce, you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you."
(Matthew 7:1-2)
"And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to then,"Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her."
(John 8:7)
No amount of justification on our part ever makes us right to judge and condemn a person in an uncharitable act lacking in love and mercy. We can judge the act but never the person. When I look at my own personal failings, I can only wonder at my Jesus who can still love me and give me the privilege to serve Him. In my many moments of personal reflection, I despair at times that I never seem to achieve the "Christian" ideal of living for Christ. There are days when in my heart I am crying out in frustration, "Jesus, why did you choose me to serve here out of over 6 billion people in this world? I never asked to do this! Look at me - I have failed as I cannot love like You do!Why me? Could you not just leave me alone?" Of course, very often, it is just silence and later I often imagine Jesus gazing at me thinking - "Why do you not learn, Susan? Look at Me - Susan! I have only ONE thing to say to you - "I love you." In my moments of sadness and my failures and weaknesses, I often experience God's Love for me through others, through homilies or just through emails, articles or even an unexpected phone call! I really felt so in this annual retreat too...that Jesus was reigniting that "special, exciting and burning Love" that inflamed my heart, my mind and my soul for Him 15 years ago in my very first Divine retreat.
When I watched Pope Francis being introduced to the world on the Internet, in my heart, a burning question I had about the Call I first felt 15 years ago was finally answered. I felt a great peace of what I am to do. It was as if the Holy Spirit which was upon the new Pope and all the the people in Vatican had also illuminated my heart after years of questions, doubts and searching. My very first impression of Pope Francis was the simplicity, the "lack of airs" and his genuineness that shone through.He just seemed so fatherly and warm - the whole world saw it! Immediately on the Internet, all the reports were commenting about the difference between Pope Benedict XVI and Pope Francis. But that is also wrong! God decides what Shepherd we need to guide our Church in that period of time. While my heart did not react with a "personal" love for Pope Benedict initially like it did for Pope John Paul II and now for Pope Francis, I know how much Pope Benedict's writings, Encyclicals and Papal messages have really enlightened and strengthened my faith. I pray with love for our Pope Emeritus - he showed great courage and humility in listening to God's Voice in his heart.
Pope Francis seems the embodiment of what our retreat director Fr. Rex Pai SJ was trying to teach us - having a positive attitude in life that brings joy. That was the first thought that came in my heart watching Pope Francis. He too is a Jesuit like Fr. Rex and both of them exuded the simplicity, "warm pastoral" love, and clarity of God's teachings in such a personal way - I would personally encourage loved ones to experience the Ignatian Spirituality too. The open way the crowds are reacting to Pope Francis is because of his warm, spontaneous, personal, fatherly love towards them. I look at Pope Francis and he really does not seem like many of the Bishops and senior clergy I have met. They seem so set apart and distant. This is what our Church indeed our world needs! A person who loves. There is no greater message or inspiration that Pope Francis can exemplify to us. We should not expect the Pope to lead our Church to a vibrant, energized approach to New Evangelization while we as individual Catholics remain unchanged.
So my quest this year as I reflect on all that I have learnt in my recent retreat is simple - If love is who I am, is it visible in my daily life? Is my love inclusive, is my ministry empowered with a great renewed passion to make a difference in this world, am I living God's Call in a radical way exploring new opportunities to exemplify His Love? Or am I coasting along in my comfort zone just working among the same group of people with like-minded values and thinking?
Well, if love is who I am, unless I am totally rooted and grounded in Christ, I am nothing!
The YouTube music video at the top of this post, "LIVE LIKE THAT" by the Sidewalk Prophets, really spoke to my heart as Holy Week is around the corner. I heard it for the first time tonight. May the hymn speak to your heart too!
The YouTube music video at the top of this post, "LIVE LIKE THAT" by the Sidewalk Prophets, really spoke to my heart as Holy Week is around the corner. I heard it for the first time tonight. May the hymn speak to your heart too!
