RETREAT REFLECTION - WHERE DO I START?

At times I wonder at the questions that come into my heart after being here on this earth for so many years! The more I meditate on the Word of God and try to live it, it just seems like deeper and more soul-searching questions come up from within. Makes me wonder if I am a late-developing Catholic - and that too one who is actually a "cradle" Catholic! 

One thing I learnt in my three years as a Sponsor in the RCIA (Rites of Christian Initiation for Adults) ministry, is that often the faith of those who convert to Catholicism is stronger and deeper than those of us born into it. We, the "cradle" Catholics, tend to take our faith for granted. We did not have to search and yearn to know Jesus and consciously make a decision to live for Him. The greatest  blessing I had from being a part of the RCIA ministry is the chance I had to deepen my own Catholic faith and learning of the existence of a truly valuable book on the Teachings and Doctrines of our Catholic Church -  The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  It answers all the questions about the Catholic Faith and what EVERY Catholic should know about our faith. Even after 10 years, I am very thankful to God for this blessed grace. The fact that I had very challenging questions to answer weekly from the articulate Enquirers in my group during those 3 years, kept me up late quite a few nights! They were truly searching to learn, understand and know Jesus - a fact I truly admired about them.  I never thought about Jesus and my faith like they did! Through sharing my faith experience and reading up on the Catechism of the Catholic Church, I learnt so much about my own faith that I took for granted.  I had to examine deep within myself to answer their questions. 

Till today, I am a firm believer that besides our personal faith experience, we MUST read and meditate on the Bible every day and understand our faith in total obedience to the Teachings of the Catholic Church. Our faith cannot be of the "supermarket" variety - choosing to believe and obey what we are comfortable with.  During our recent annual volunteers' retreat here, our retreat director, Fr. Martin  Kalamparampil V.C.,  Director -  Divine Tabor Ashram,  from Kalyan, Mumbai, India asked us a profound question - "Whose will are we doing as we serve in this retreat centre?  Are we seeking our own interest?" Father quoted the bible verse Philippians 2:21 -"Everyone else is concerned only  with his own affairs, not with the cause of Jesus Christ."  Fr. Martin asked us to reflect - "Is my will centred on Jesus?"  Jesus had His own will yet He obeyed His Father. As Jesus said, "I came into the world not to do my will, but the will of the Father who sent me." (John 6:38)

I was struck deeply in my heart by these words of Fr. Martin to each of us: "I need to surrender completely to God in humility. Nothing I do is because of me. Self-denial and obedience are the two VALUES of Humility." Indeed, St. Francis of Assisi was the son of  one of the richest men in Assissi and yet he gave everything up in self denial. Obedience is SO important. Fr. Martin reiterated this truly important aspect of our faith and in our ministry - "Obedience to your superiors." We must be ALWAYS obedient to the Church's authority and teachings. We must be obedient to our priests. 

Anyone who says there is no need to consult or listen to priests on issues of faith while relying on their own human logic is having the sin of spiritual pride and going against God's Word. It is crucial to have a Spiritual Director to guide us in our faith based on the Word of God and the Church's Teachings. Every priest and every Pope has one - it helps us stay rooted in Christ and learn humility and obedience.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and for ever. Do no let all kinds of strange teaching lead you from the right way. It is good to receive inner strength from God's grace..." (Hebrews 13:8-9) "Obey your leaders and follow their orders. They watch over your souls without resting, since they must give God an account of their service. If you obey them, they will do their work gladly; if not, they will do it with sadness, and that would be of no help to you." (Hebrews 13:17)  To obey our priests, bishops, cardinals and Pope - the Church hierarchy as chosen by God -  is doing God Will. 

One of the questions that burned in my heart these past nine months (and suddenly became my retreat goal the 1st night) is "Where do I start to be truly committed to my Call from God?" What choice do I make?

The YouTube music video  at the top of this post - "All of Me" - a deeply-touching song by Matt Hammit, best captures what is in my heart as I started searching deeply for Jesus to be the "anchor" of my life. He is still leading me through all the storms, upheavals, pain, sadness and doubts that for a while seemed to totally overwhelm me. He gives me the courage I need.

My heart has THE answer that gives me peace - "Jesus, I want You to have ALL of me!"

[Matt Hammitt wrote this song "ALL OF ME" as his baby son was suffering from heart troubles and is of Matt and his family's own faith journey in that period.] 

Below is part of the song's lyrics that truly speaks what is in my heart to Jesus: 

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you.

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me

Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me