“IF ANYONE WANTS TO COME WITH ME, HE MUST FORGET SELF, TAKE UP HIS CROSS EVERY DAY, AND FOLLOW ME.” (Luke 9:23)

We commemorated ALL Souls Day in the Catholic Church yesterday - 02 November.  All Souls Day is often very poignant for me - when I remember the love and joy of the incredible gift God has given me through my late father, G. D. Alexander, my late sister, Bridget, and my late brother-in-law, Dusty. All three of them were of different personalities yet in one thing they were the same - each of them taught me about love, of faith and the joy of being one family.

Life is a mystery. In early Dec 2007, Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., the Director, here at Divine Retreat Centre asked me to write articles. It made no sense to me. I remember asking, "Who will read my article, Father?" His reply was. "I will read your article." I seriously doubted the busiest priest I know in this world would bother to read something I wrote! Needless to say, I actually thought it was just a way Father may have suddenly thought to keep me occupied for some unknown reasons. Yet a few days later, I was inspired to write about my experience of my father, Papa, in his last few months of his life and my struggle to follow God's Call in my heart. It was my first attempt to write about how I have experienced God's Love and Presence in my life. From then, I began to write about one or two articles each month for a readership of one - Fr. Augustine. It used to puzzle me as the inspiration to write, even to this day, seems to come out of the blue! Often,  I would be busy with some other work and I would put everything aside to write!  Fr. Augustine, while not knowing I would one day start this personal blog (nearly 3 years later on 21 August 2010), is instrumental with his Godly wisdom in getting me to reflect on my life experiences in a spiritual way. I know despite my human struggles that no matter the circumstances, be it one of joy or sadness, Jesus keeps His Promise to me, "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

This month, November, we specially remember all our departed loved ones who have returned to God. I never thought I would ever share the article I wrote because it is deeply personal to me. Yet today, as I came into my office, I felt a strong prompting after I prayed to do so now. So I am sharing my very first article that I wrote on 09 December 2007 - five months after my father passed away on my birthday, 01 July 2007. 

I am glad that I have begun writing for it most helps me personally - to realize how much I love Jesus because He is always there for me even when I have fallen away from Him. Jesus is always faithful and it is His Love that lifts me up and gives me the courage to pick up my cross and to follow Him. Fr. Augustine shared in the homily last night, "We are pilgrims here on earth until we reach our Eternal City in Heaven. Our lives must be fully committed to God - Christ-centred." To follow Jesus is not easy but God's Grace will take each of us - you  and me - to our Heavenly Home...where our departed loved ones are now.

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Written on 09 December 2007

Looking back at the past twelve months, it was a year that I wish could have been a little different. At least, I wished it had been a little easier for me to handle. Being a fulltime volunteer these past 3 ½ years, there is no excuse for me to say that the Word of God is not something I hear proclaimed often or that I have no opportunity to spend time in personal prayer . This was a year when I spent a number of months back in my home country. My father’s health took a sudden turn for the worse while I was home and all of a sudden it dawned on me – I had prayed for my family and done my best to prepare myself for this painful event – the day was drawing near when all of us have to say a final goodbye to our most beloved father.

“My Grace Is All You Need…” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have tried to comfort others in times of sickness and sufferings of their loved ones. Now I was in the same situation. I had to watch my father as he was weakening, unable to eat solid food, having extreme difficulty to walk, needing physical assistance, having to bear pain and suffering. The hardest part of all was to see my father who used to be so strong and active looking so very dependent and helpless! My mother who had single-handedly cared for my father after his congestive heart failure in 2000 was obviously made of much stronger stuff than me! She was cheerful, patient and always there for my father who seemed to want her close by at all times. I marvelled at the graces God had bestowed on her. After all, to see one’s life partner of fifty-six years in the final days of his life is not easy – it would leave a huge gap in her life.

My beloved late Papa and my Mum

My mother often said that whatever she needed, God always seemed to give her when she prayed for it. After just a few days, one of her children would always call and give or send her what she would have been wishing for!  It is the fulfilment of God’s promise to each and every one of us, “When you pray, I will answer you. When you call to me, I will respond.” (Isaiah 58:9)  God was listening to my mother and He was taking care of her when none of us could be physically around. Yet, the stress of all the years of being the sole caregiver did catch up and my mother’s health was also affected during that same period too. I was beside myself with anxiety and concern for both my parents. To the outside world, many people commented how calm and strong I was – if only they knew the turmoil within me - anxiety and the fear. After a few weeks, an inner peace came into my heart and mind. I remembered the many times I had heard it being told during the homilies in Divine – God will keep all the promises that He has given us through His Word, the Bible. At this point, I found somewhere deep within me the ability to finally let go of my own human instincts that I MUST be with my parents. It was more important that God was with them at all times!

“God Loves You, So Don’t Let Anything Worry You Or Frighten You.” (Daniel 10:19)

I remember praying and asking God for strength as I was totally exhausted and I could not bear to see the rapid deterioration of my father’s health and my mother’s situation. As I prayed for my father, God comforted me with this bible message, “I am your God and will take care of you until you are old and your hair is grey. I made you and will care for you; I will give you help and rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:1) Do not be afraid – I am with you! (Isaiah 43:5) What a difference God’s Word made to me! Well, my father was old – 85 and his hair was grey. I knew then God would never forsake my father who had deep faith in God and a great devotion to Mother Mary. It was also obvious that it was God’s Spirit that gave my mother such fortitude.

“Your Word is a Lamp to Guide Me And A Light For My Path.” (Psalm 119:105)

Then came the real test for me – do I remain at home or should I return to India to continue my fulltime volunteer work? I had been praying intensely for three months. The answer was always the same. God’s gentle voice prompting me to return, ‘I have work for you to do in India.” I was guided in my decision by many bible verses that just pierced my heart and I got this bible message constantly, “I have chosen you to be with me.” (Mark 3:14) Looking back now, this was the defining moment in the path I have chosen for my life. Some of the people closest to me did not understand how I could choose to leave my father whom I loved so dearly – knowing that I may not see him alive again.  I finally understand now what Jesus meant when He said, “If anyone wants to come with me, he must forget self, take up his cross every day, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)  

There will be a time in all our lives when Jesus will challenge us to live for Him, to forget our own wants, our needs and most of all our human love, to fix our gaze on His Face and to place our trust fully in Him. The words “take up his cross every day, and follow me” suddenly had a new meaning for me. It is not about me just choosing to serve God when everything was fine or stable in my life. I had to choose God above everything else – to be able to do God’s Will in my life every single day. To be able to trust that God loves those I love dearly more than I could ever love them – and that God will always hold them close in His embrace and lovingly let them know, “You are precious To Me.” (Isaiah 43:4) On Holy Thursday, my father asked to have the Last Sacrament. It was the first time he had ever asked for it himself. We knew my father’s time on earth was very limited. Before, we were making sure my father had the Anointing of the Sick every 6 months.

“This Day Is Holy; Do Not Be Sad” (1 Esdras 9:53)

On Easter Sunday night (8 April 2007), we had to rush my father by ambulance to hospital as he had breathing difficulties. As I was calmly trying to tell him that we had called an ambulance, he told me, “I do not want to die in hospital. I want to be in my own home.” I assured him that if he was dying, I would bring him home but this was just to help him breathe easier. By then, my mother, two sisters and nephew were all praying for we thought this was the end! Both my eldest and youngest sisters were in tears but kept it hidden from him. We had to call the other family members who were overseas. A million thoughts raced through my mind as I spoke to the Emergency Room doctor while they ran tests on my father, gave him oxygen and admitted him to the High Dependency Unit. I wished one of my brothers was with us to be in charge! But the Word of God I felt strongly in my heart and that echoed in my mind was, “Pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)  So we all prayed and thanked God for giving us such a loving and wonderful father/husband and this prayer really brought us comfort to put my father’s life in God’s Hands. Surprisingly, we were all very calm. My father was discharged two days later.

12 April 2007 will always be etched in my heart – the time I had to say goodbye to my father before I left for India – as I went into his room alone to gently let him know that I was leaving, for the first time ever, he showed great distress that I was leaving to return to India. It is hard to explain but I felt my heart splinter into a million pieces as I strove not to burst into tears in front of him. I kissed him and hoped that this would not be the last time I would see him alive – then I quickly walked out of the room, said a quick loving goodbye to my mother, sisters and nephew and rushed out. If I had looked back, I knew I would not leave home this time. It took all the courage I had to “follow Jesus.” I remembered the first verse of the hymn which has always meant a lot to me when I decided to serve God fulltime – “I have decided to follow Jesus - No turning back, no turning back.”

“I Have Always Loved You.” (Malachi 1:2)
God made the last few months of my father’s life a blessed one – all his children came home from different parts of the world and cared for him personally. It was a time of great bonding and a time to show our parents how much we loved them. It took great planning as we intentionally spaced our visits so that there would always be one of us with our parents. I realized if I had just stayed home, this precious time each of us had with our father to love and care for him might not have happened. God in His Wisdom knew what was best for all of us! Each of us was greatly comforted by being able to personally take care of my father. We also knew his quiet joy in having all his children around in his final days.

“I Will Tell Of God’s Unfailing Love; I Praise Him… (Isaiah 63:7)

By June, it seemed just a matter of time before my father would be bedridden. None of us wanted him to suffer in this condition. Medical tests taken showed my father’s vital organs were all functioning normally. Thus, we were not expecting anything sudden to happen. My younger sister and her daughter, who was the youngest grandchild, returned home to USA in the last week of June after a month’s visit – she was the last of the children to be with him.

Shortly after that, I was working late through the night one Saturday. When I reached my room, it was already 3.00 a.m. Sunday - it was my birthday! I sat on my bed and clearly remember my prayer, “O God, I have only one wish for my birthday. If it is Your Will, please do not make Papa suffer anymore and do not make him bedridden. Grant him a peaceful and blessed death. Take him to be with You.” I sat and prayed for quite a while. In the morning, I had a very cheerful call from my mother who for once actually remembered my birthday. Usually, I would have to call her to remind her it was so! She wished me on behalf of both of them. I was happy to hear my Mum sounding so upbeat.

A few hours later, at exactly at 3.00 p.m. India time, I received another phone call – it was my mother again. It took me a moment to grasp what she told me and by then she had put the phone down. All she said was, “I think Papa has died.” I tried calling back but the line was busy. I sat stunned thinking, “Papa has died on my birthday! How could that be?” I did get through finally and by then the medics had confirmed it was true. My father died very suddenly and peacefully with my mother next to him at home. It was his last wish to die in his own home and God also answered my mother’s wish – she always said, “I want to be with Papa till his last moment. I do not want him to die alone.” How wonderful and great is our Lord for He honoured my parents’ dearest wishes!!  It was about six hours before the first member of my family could reach home. It was a great blessing that loving Catholic friends quickly came around to be with my mother and helped her in making the initial final arrangements. It took me a few minutes to realize that in exactly twelve hours, God had answered my birthday prayer. I had to call all my siblings to inform them. I learnt upon my return home that my father would most likely have been totally bedridden in a few days.

This sad event has deepened my faith in God. He took care of each and every one of us in the family. None of us have any regrets now that we did not have our own time with my father. We could care for him and we could prepare ourselves to let him go to God. I was awed by God’s great love for me in answering my birthday prayer so promptly. These bible verses sum up how loving and attentive God is - “But God has indeed heard me; he has listened to my prayer. I praise God, because he did not reject my prayer or keep back his constant love from me.” (Psalm 66:19-20)

“Don’t Be Afraid Or Have Any Doubts…I Will Lead You.” (2 Esdras 16:75)

I believe I have grown up spiritually this year. Until recently, I thought I had not done much for God this year in terms of works and that I had really failed Him in some major aspects. However, I realize as this year now slowly ends, God was and is still working on me. This painful and difficult year is not a waste – it is in fact the opposite! God has helped me to examine my life and has gently shown me the areas that I need to work on so that I can truly follow Him. God also reassures me of His Love and that He will guide me. Despite all the doubts I will certainly face again in the future, I hope I will always have the faith and courage to forget my own desires and will - to pick up my cross daily and to follow Jesus. He will indeed lead me if I let Him! He will do it for each and every one of us. Are you ready to live for Christ and to follow Him too?

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As we treasure the memories of our departed loved ones, let us not take our relationships with our loved ones on earth for granted. Life at times nowadays seems to be just communication on WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter and so forth. We do not take the time to show our love and care for others which takes personal time and effort - a personal visit, phone calls to our parents and family members and friends, to take the time to write a personal letter or email to someone dear far away on their birthday or festive seasons or just to brighten their day.  I know I personally treasure these little things greatly. As I re-read what I first wrote nearly eight years ago, I feel in my heart the prompting to always have personal time with Jesus and connection with Him throughout each day AND never to forget to show my love and care for those who mean greatly to me. 

Let us not leave it too late.  

I hope the  beautiful YouTube song below, FATHER'S LOVE by Gary Valenciano, brings back cherished memories of your father's love in your lives too!

WITH THE JOY OF OUR LORD - NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

It has been a truly intense and anointed two weeks in Divine Retreat Centre - which made my heart experience that our God is truly amazing in how His Good News is proclaimed to people of every age and nation.

It had not been an easy two months for me. There were some personal matters that had me preoccupied and made me feel anxious. Serving in Divine, I have witnessed how so many prayers are miraculously answered...even in my own life! Yet, as an important prayer petition so close to my heart for so many years seem to go on unanswered and seemed to be getting worse, the anxiety that soon it would be too late led me to be very introspective - is Jesus really in control? A few members of our Divine community perhaps sensed it as they asked me why I seemed rather quiet and "different" upon my return to the retreat centre after a 2-month break.

It seemed strange as here i was living and serving in Divine Retreat Centre - the largest Catholic retreat centre in the world, which over 10 years ago had already had its door opened to over 10 million retreatants...and I am having a faith crisis! Is Jesus going to answer this prayer issue so crucial to my loved ones and me? How could I share God's Peace and Comfort to those closest to me if I too was feeling as they did - afraid of what could happen which seemed beyond our control. What could I share of Christ's Hope and Comfort?

EMPOWERED Music Ministry Team from Kuching, Sarawak., Malaysia

It was with this troubled heart that Divine's 10th International POWER 2015 - 'ARISE! SHINE FOR YOUR LIGHT HAS COME" (Isaiah 60:1) began from 27-31 July 2015. On Saturday night (the eve of POWER 2015), during Holy Mass by Friar Stan Fortuna C.F.R., a sudden prompting came in my heart to offer some help to the EMPOWERED Music Ministry team from Kuching, Sarawak (my fellow Malaysians) who were prayerfully leading us in anointed Praise & Worship during the Holy Mass. As it turns out, I am so thankful that I acted upon the prompting in my heart for it made me tangibly experience Jesus' Presence in all the POWER 2015 retreats - the Youth retreat, Couples Retreat and the Children's retreat. I actually spent a good part of 2 days in the Children's retreat and it was one of the most beautiful experience of POWER 2015 for me. Just to witness a glimpse of Jesus' Joy for His little lambs! They are so precious and important to Our Lord!

Above is a delightful video I captured of His Grace Archbishop Christopher Prowse of Canberra, Australia in a joyous celebration at the end of the Children's Holy Mass on the Thursday morning. I know it will be a sacred memory that will forever remain in their hearts...as it will in mine! Archbishop Christopher Prowse brought so much joy with his simplicity, humility and genuine love for people - young and old alike. This is the distinct memory I will treasure in my heart of POWER 2015...in Archbishop Christopher Prowse, Jesus Our Loving Shepherd, was truly in our midst!

POWER 2015 is literally a week of intense celebration of the Joy of Jesus in the midst of His people - Youths, Couples, Children & Tiny Tots from India and many other countries around the world. It is a week when there are special retreats for all of them. This year was no different with close to 3000 retreatants in our English campus. To put it mildly, Divine really "ROCKS" with the Joy and Zeal of the thousands of young people and the couples. It is a week when every heart is a young, vibrant heart with a childlike joy bubbling with love for our Lord! I felt uplifted by the tangible Hope and Joy of Jesus that was visible on every person's face from the youngest child to the oldest person I saw on the campus. How could i feel troubled or anxious? I was reminded in a powerful way to always keep my gaze fixed upon the Face of Jesus!

Right after the POWER 2015, it was the special Annual CALLED...GIFTED...SENT FORTH Retreat for the Formation of Spiritual Leadership of Priests, Religious & Lay Leaders in Ministry. I have attended this retreat every year since 2004 except in 2007 - the year my father passed away. For me, this is the Divine retreat that recharges me in my zeal and in my discernment of where my focus and efforts of my Divine ministry should be. It has always been an uplifting retreat experience but the retreat this year that just ended last Friday (07 August 2015) has been the most blessed and anointed "leadership" retreat experience ever for me. 

Rev. Fr. Mathew Naickomparambil V.C.
Spearhead of Divine-Potta Ministry

To put it mildly, Rev Fr. Mathew Naickomparambil V.C. - the Spearhead of our Divine-Potta Ministry truly inspired every priest, religious and lay leader attending this retreat. All of us who serve here in Divine are fully aware of the special call Jesus has given to Fr. Mathew and Fr. Mathew's holiness is legendary. I personally always felt that being in the presence of Fr. Mathew, it somehow just seemed that Fr. Mathew lives on a totally different plane (level) than the rest of us. I have been blessed in the past couple of years to be able to assist Fr. Mathew in a ministry project and the moments I spent in the presence of Fr. Mathew have ALWAYS been joyous, uplifting and a great grace of feeling inner peace.

I was truly awed at the great waves of anointing and wisdom of God  that flowed through Fr. Mathew to everyone in the retreat hall. For me, it was the first time in my 12 years in Divine, I truly experienced for an ENTIRE week, the amazing ministry and Call of God to Fr.Mathew. I wrote ten years ago in the book, "The Unseen Hand of God - Divine Retreat Centre" - that the first time I spoke to Fr. Mathew for the book interview, I truly felt like Mary sitting at the Feet of Jesus. I felt such joy! I still feel that way every time I see Fr. Mathew for his face always lights up with a huge, fatherly smile when he sees me and my heart and being feels so greatly comforted! It is as if God our Heavenly Father is smiling down from Heaven upon me! Frankly, no one else ever gives me that huge, joyous smile as if I am always a delight to meet. :)

For this retreat, there were 2 priests and 13 lay leaders in ministry from my country, Malaysia and also a priest from Korea. Every one of them yearned to speak and to be blessed by Fr. Mathew as did all the other priests from Sri Lanka and lay leaders from India and other countries. After every session, Fr. Mathew was surrounded by so many retreatants, he looked like a rock star being mobbed! As Fr. Mathew is tall, we could see him clearly towering over everyone else with his huge warm smile patiently listening, blessing and sharing some Godly wisdom  with every person who wanted to speak to him. The smile on every retreatant said it all - they experienced the Touch and Love of Jesus through Fr. Mathew.  Indeed, Fr. Mathew is truly a Prophet of God in our midst. We are truly blesseed for the Grace to have our faith strengthened and our ministry enlightened so that we will go out to be Christ's Light to the world. I doubt any of us will ever forget the great Grace of God we have experienced in this retreat for our vocation/ministry. Each of us have a call - and we can make a difference to the ends of the earth through our prayers and actions.  "For nothing is impossible for God!" (Luke 1:37)

Rev. Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C.
Director - Divine Retreat Centre

During this retreat, the anxiety and worry in my heart totally disappeared. Our Director, Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C. gave me some truly Spirit-filled words of advice that took away the fear that has been in my heart for so many years...from the time I came to serve in Divine Retreat Centre. Perhaps the reason the fear seemed to overwhelm me this year was so that finally once and for all, I would finally surrender it all at the Feet of Jesus. Only then, could Jesus heal me from this long-term inner fear. I needed to let go and truly let God be in control.

I feel a great sense of peace and inner strength in my heart that has never been there before now. The proclamation of the Word of God by Fr. Mathew, Fr. Augustine, Fr. Jose Prakash, Jude Antoine and Colin Calmiano helped many of us to be fortified in the Power of God's Spirit to serve Jesus with all our heart, mind and soul. It is hard to explain but there was a very special Anointing and deep Grace of God that each one of us experienced - a personal God-experience. That is is the wonder of this retreat. Every one of us felt a deep joy and a firm resolve to now live our faith with a strong commitment. When we serve God totally trusting in His Goodness and Mercy, He will never forsake anyone - including you and me. We need to be always attuned to listening to the Voice of God in our lives. How much of our daily life do we spend in the Presence of Jesus? We must never be "Marthas" so busy with activities we are doing in the Name of Jesus YET we can never find time each day to receive Jesus in the Holy Eucharist or spend quiet time in personal prayer to discern God's Plan of what I should do. As servants of God, we really should make it a priority to experience an annual retreat to refresh our soul, heart, and mind to discern, "What is it God wants me to do for Him?" Every Christian has this mission so no one can say, I do not need a retreat. If you are on this earth and baptized as a Catholic, you have a mission for Jesus! There is no easy route to heaven. For Jesus said, "Whoever does not carry his own cross and follow me, cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:27) Each of us will always have a cross - for that is how we become a true disciple of Christ. I realize how I choose to carry my cross of suffering and to unite it with the Cross of Jesus is what will ultimately liberate me for my reward - eternal life. 

There is a way to pray and to offer our own cross of suffering for the salvation of our loved ones and the world. This is the great lesson that truly touched my heart when Fr. Mathew and Fr. Augustine shared so eloquently about the Power of Intercessory Prayer, of praying in the Presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament daily, of uniting our sufferings with the Sufferings of Jesus for the salvation of others, of being strengthened by the Power of the Holy Spirit through the sanctifying Grace of the Sacraments and living as servants and handmaids of our Lord. Mother Mary should be our model of true discipleship. She exemplified total surrender to the Will of God and full obedience to live the Plan (mission) God entrusted to Her. Mother Mary was the first to receive the Holy Spirit and She was praying with the disciples in the Upper Room when they received the Holy Spirit at Pentecost. The only teaching of Mother Mary in the Holy Bible is,  "Do whatever he tells you to." (John 2:5) Indeed, it is precisely what we need to obey and do as true Christians!

We too have the Power of God in each of us through Baptism and Confirmation and every time we partake in the Holy Sacraments. When we are united with our Lord, nothing is impossible for us.  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)There are Promises in the Bible where God has assured us we are not alone.  One passage that sustains me in moments of worry and anxiety is  Isaiah 43:1-5. "Do not be afraid - I am with you!" (Isaiah 43:5) has always given me hope that God is with me.  

I know that Jesus has called me and He is with me and my loved ones.  The YouTube music video below by PLANETSHAKERS - "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE" truly reflects what I have learnt from the two recent annual retreats here in Divine. 

With the Joy of Christ in me, here I am, Lord - ready to do Your Will! 

"I'm not gonna live by what I see

I'm not gonna live by what I feel
Deep down I know that You're here with me

I know that You can do ANYTHING"

Verse from NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE hymn by PLANETSHAKERS

"I WANNA LIVE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW"

For every situation that seems a problem or a setback, there is always a Plan of God that truly opens up a deeper layer of appreciating the gift of one's own life. Well, that is what I once again experienced this year. In February, I slipped and had a bad fall with a sharp crack on the back of my skull. Till today, I cannot recall about at least 15 minutes of my life when it did happen. i only recall a fleeting moment at the time of my fall - of lying on the floor looking at my room's window and feeling excruciating pain! However, I do not recall dressing up, locking my room or walking down from my room on the 1st floor or walking to the side stage room of our English retreat hall to ask for help.  I was told later that I had walked in very quietly and sat on a chair and a fellow volunteer, Mary, said that I was trembling violently and with great concern she asked me what had happened. It seems all I said was "I had a fall." Well, immediately the volunteers there sprang to action and soon I was being taken to the nearby hospital. To say that I had a really painful skull for the first two months is an understatement - I also had hurt 4 discs on my vertebrae - two discs at the base of my neck and two discs at the base of my spine which were undiagnosed for the first month. Hence, every time I walked, I felt close to fainting after about 2 minutes as the discs were pressing against my nerves.

Well, I do remember one thing distinctly! As I was in the A&E section, I realized I had never ever really thought about my skull nor had I ever thanked God for it or for my brain - to be able to live the blessed life I have. I immediately thanked God for the big thump on my head! I needed it to be finally conscious of thanking God for all He has given me which I took for granted. Sleeping was really difficult for about 3 months as it took that long for the swelling to subside. Till today, I still have some pain on my skull. When I lay my head on the pillow, I will feel the pain and I will be awoken at nights should I change my sleeping position to the right - which I invariably do. I now have an inbuilt reminder to get enough sleep as when I work too long hours, it hurts.

It happened exactly a week before Ash Wednesday, I felt committed to start on some ministry work for the Lenten season. Since my work is mainly Internet-based, that meant I had to work on a PC or laptop. The neuro-physiotherapist told me firmly I was to take complete rest for 1-2 months  as it would put great pressure on the brain working on a PC/laptop and on my spine. Well, that is when I found out for myself, how much pressure is actually exerted on the brain working on computers. :) I got the strength from God's Word to continue what I felt so deeply in heart I needed to do -  sharing a 7-part Weekly Divine Lenten Video series on the Friends of Divine blog. And what was the Word? It was "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

When I was on my longest-ever vacation in mid-April until mid-June, I found out how many Friends of Divine appreciated the Lenten videos and had shared it with their family and friends too. In lifting my pain to be united as a small Lenten sacrifice of the pain Jesus suffered from His crown of thorns, it was all bearable. Despite the pain  in my brain, skull, and back, I was filled with a quiet determination for I could feel Jesus with me in a tangible personal way.

Our April 2015 Family Get-together in Penang

I went on a two-month vacation shortly after Easter. Some of my siblings, my eldest nephew and I  had a beautiful 1-week family time with my Mum in Penang, Malaysia. It is not easy as we all now live in different countries. No words can express my feelings of the time I can spend with my Mum...it is like my heart overflows with love for her.  I could not do any work as my laptop had its 'demise' there and I had to buy a new one.  Then I headed off to Melbourne for nearly a month with my youngest sister, Kathy, and her husband, Guy. It was there I felt a deep prompting in my heart, "Rest, Susan, and I will tell you when to start again."  For once, I did that and just rested. I cannot recall ever doing this in my life. And what an amazing experience it was...

Jesse

Chilli

Have you ever stopped your daily routine - I mean really stopped and just relaxed and took time to be in solitude with Jesus and His Creation? It is not something I ever remember consciously doing until this vacation. I spent a lot of time with my sister's two Australian kelpies - Jesse and Chilli. Growing up, we always had a couple of family dogs at least. I found it so de-stressing just playing with the dogs and enjoying the moment - their joys are simple ones. We can learn a lot from dogs. They just live for the present and they openly show their joy and love for the fact that I was with them when Kathy and Guy were busy at the cafe.They would both clamber on my bed every morning. I actually looked forward  to our daily walks that I was taken on. Yes, Jesse and Chilli decided I did not really know their daily walking route. In fact the first time I took them for a walk, Chilli pulled me in the opposite direction - he must have wanted to explore!

   

 A beautiful Rainbow!

A radiant Sunset at the Blue Mountains

The Three Sisters formation in Blue Mountains

The cool Melbourne and Sydney weather with birds singing on the trees and flying about and the crisp fresh air soothed my mind and heart - I often sang little hymns in my heart enjoying the beauty of Nature and God's Creation all around me. In the evenings in Melbourne, I enjoyed being with Kathy and Guy who made my time with them so precious and joyful despite their very hectic schedules running le Jolie Cafe. . As the weeks went by, I felt a great peace flowing in me just appreciating and being thankful for the beauty God has created on earth. for the love of my family and close friends and most of all for my life. 

clockwise from left - Fr. Joby, Carol, Deane and Fr. Michael 

I had the opportunity to attend a Marian retreat with a very close family friend, Carol, at the Divine Retreat Centre Somersby, NSW. It was a great blessing to attend this retreat by Fr. Michael Payyapilly V.C., the Director (he was Asst Director at the Divine Retreat Centre, Kerala, India until February 2012) and Fr. Joby George V.C., the new Asst. Director in DRC Somersby who I was meeting for the first time. The few days I spent with Carol's family and the Vincentian Fathers was priceless - a time I will always treasure. Carol and I had not seen each other for 32 years. I pointed out that was longer than Fr. Joby has been alive! Yet, it was like we were never apart. I am so grateful to God for the lovely stay with Carol in Sydney and also meeting her husband, Deane and elder daughter, Nikita. It was inspiring to hear of Carol and Deane's faith in God. I was also blessed to meet Carol's elder sister, Marie and her brother Xavier on this trip. To meet childhood friends is a special joy that cannot be explained. We have known each other practically from the time we were born as our parents were very close friends. I also had a couple of days with my dearest friend and ex-CX colleague when we were working in Hong Kong - Cathy. Cathy has always brought laughter into my life. She used to make me lighten up and relax and we have so many happy memories of our time in Hong Kong. It never fails to amaze me how when meeting friends close to our hearts, the years and all the different paths our lives have taken just magically disappear. We do not even really care what or who the other person is known as to the world...all that matters is that we are together again.

That is truly what life is about - a life that is of love, joy, hope, of shared memories. Somehow all the painful and sad moments we shared together are all washed away from our memories. It really led me to deep reflection on the ever-burning question in my heart - "How I am really living my life - Am I living life to the fullest?" Do I have time for the people who matter in my life? Can we make a difference in the world by sharing the personal Christian mission God has commissioned us with? I do not know but I have always believed God always has a reason when He brings people together.

It brought me back to an extremely vivid memory of the 3rd Divine retreat which I attended on my own in July 2003 - before I joined Divine Retreat Centre as a full-time volunteer a year later. I do not recall anything else of the preaching or singing during this retreat. Only one memory is engraved in my heart, It was my birthday and, Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., the Director, preached in a booming voice from the stage - "Every day you are one step closer to your tomb! How are you living your life? Who are you living your life for?" It was like a thunderbolt to my heart. I remember thinking, "Oh my God! Is this the message from God on my birthday that I must remember? That I am going to die one day soon...and I am getting closer to my tomb?" I felt like Jesus was the One asking me these pertinent questions which resound in my heart often even 13 years later to the present. Of course, Fr. Augustine had no idea it was my birthday then!

"Carpe Diem" which means "Seize the day" has been my personal life motto ever since I first heard this phrase in the beautiful Robin William's movie "Dead Poets Society" in 1989. I still use it on my Facebook and on  WhatApp profile message. I want to live every moment of my life fully. Does it mean running around doing lots of things? No! I feel it is in giving myself fully to whatever it is I am doing that God is asking of me. It is of loving and appreciating and showing we truly care for our loved ones and more importantly those we do not know (the marginalized, the poor and the suffering) who need us - our time, our talents, our resources, our actions,  our prayers and most of all our Christian love. It is to live passionately for the mission God has given each of us - in the exciting moments, joyful moments, painful moments and even the mundane, ordinary moments.

Living life to the full is not about chasing worldly goals and wanting our lives to be exciting, successful and crammed with many different activities. It needs to be a life where God's Gentle Voice can speak to our hearts each day; to see Jesus present in our everyday life. It is about being thankful to God  and caring for the world He created for us to live in, for giving each of us the gift of life and the people He brings into our lives. The quote of Pope Paul VI at the top of this post is something every human being should heed. When we live life to the full, there is a fire burning in our hearts and a light in our eyes because our life has a God-given purpose. We will not be irritable and self-centred for our only desire is to do God's Will. I have shared before a message in a homily given by Fr. Augustine which spoke volumes to me - "When your human spirit is aligned with the Holy Spirit, you will not feel any stress; you will not be exhausted or irritable." I thought that explained the amazing stamina and fortitude of the Vincentian Fathers in their priestly ministry in our Divine-Potta ministry. They have no days of rest at all. They find their strength in their union with Christ and doing His Will. I realize I get irritable and worked up  when I do not start my day with some quiet time of prayer and reflecting on the Bible - even if it is for just a short while. It is because when I do so my heart is attuned to live for God.

I just recently celebrated my birthday which was also the 8th Anniversary of my father's return to his Eternal Home. Hence, I often spend much time reflecting of life on earth and how to be ready for my eternal journey to Heaven in the lead-up to my birthday. This year, I felt a deep joy from the moment I woke up. It was a wonderful feeling that it was great to be alive!  I took it for granted before. I know the fall I had has made me very aware that I have to treasure my life and make sure it makes a difference. Blessed Mother Teresa said it best - "Live simply so that others may live."  Jesus will show us the Way to be the Light to others.

The music video below,  "GOOD TO BE ALIVE" by Jason Gray, re-affirmed the zeal I feel in my heart.  I came across this video for the first time on my birthday. It is an uplifting hymn that I hope speaks to your heart too! 

What can I do? What can you do? What can we do together? Let us reach out; 

let us share the Call and mission God has placed in our hearts and 

let us DARE to truly LIVE for Christ! 

2015 RETREAT REFLECTION: TRULY LIVING GOD'S PLAN- TO STAND UP AND DO SOMETHING!

Most of us have goals we spend much time and thought in terms of what we hope to achieve in our lives. And then we spend most of our life ensuring we achieve these goals - through studies, constant training, self-improvement courses and intense focus in achieving our career/life goals.  I will be the first to admit I am a goal-oriented person. For a long while in my nearly 11 years of full-time ministry, I felt at times that it perhaps was not right to be so. Why? At times, I was gently teased by others about the way I plan or my approach in my ministry service. Often I was told, "We have to be open and God will show the way." It made me question myself countless of times in personal prayer and meditation - "Why would God train me to be able to plan and achieve tough goals in my career and life and then this skill is not needed in my spiritual life?" Does being led and guided by the Holy Spirit mean one should not have goals in one's life anymore and just wait upon God?         

I have just recently attended our Annual Divine Retreat for Preachers, Music Ministers, Counsellors & Volunteers from 20-23 January 2015. This year, for the first time - we were give a choice to attend a retreat by two different retreat directors. At the last minute, I just felt compelled to attend the retreat by Colin Calmiano although I had signed up for the other retreat. How thankful I am for heeding my heart's prompting!

Last year, for once, I did not set clear annual goals for my ministry and it resulted in me feeling a little lost as the year went by for I was not focussing clearly my efforts to aim for the Christian mission that I have always felt God had called me for. I felt a vocal call within me shortly after my very first retreat in Divine on 14 February 1998. That was 17 years ago. Praise God! Suffice to say, 2014 was not an easy year for me. For with no clarity, there came along many doubts and questions in my heart. Questions which have been always surfacing in my heart during my entire ministry here.  It must be the same whether one is in full-time ministry or not. Each of us, if we really ponder and examine our hearts, have  "real and difficult" questions in knowing God's Call to us and in how we answer it! Well, first of all, one of the most important things I have learnt is that I needed to pray and wait upon the Lord. That does not mean I think God's mission for me will keep changing. It is not so.I believe I do know God's Call for me. It is what what has given me a real purpose in life these past 17 years.  The reason of for each of us being created and put on this earth will be clear to us through prayer and discernment. What will not be crystal clear is how does one go about to strive in achieving for our Christian mission goal.

Does one actually need to DISCERN and ACT on one's Christian mission goal? Well, each of us need to truly examine our hearts. If we put so much focus to achieve worldly  goals for our limited life on earth, how short-sighted are we if we do not give even greater importance to the goals we need to achieve for God's Mission in our life? 

Did Jesus have a mission goal for His Life on earth? The answer is most definitely YES! Jesus' sole focus to everything He did on this earth was to do the Will of His Father. That is why Jesus' example of daily personal prayer and fasting is so crucial to every Catholic. We must stay connected to God in a very personal way. We cannot serve Christ if we compartmentalize our faith. I did it for so many years! I put so much effort into achieving my career goals that my so-called Catholic faith was just between me and God in an insular way. My Catholic faith never featured in my life's goals. As I was posted to different cities and countries over the years, I did not really know the Catholics in the churches I did go to. It is a sad fact but unlike Christian churches, many Catholic churches are not known for being welcoming to new parishioners. I was often invited by Christians of different denominations to attend their services but I was never invited by a Catholic to join in the celebration of Holy Mass in their parish. Of course, the problem was with me too - I too was just an invisible Catholic thinking that if I supported the charitable and church needs financially when required, it was enough. I thought I was a relatively "good" Catholic. My faith was abstract. I had no real relationship with Jesus. I would feel little promptings to join a ministry when appeals were made in the church. Yet as we all know, it is never enough to have a good intention, one must act upon it!

It was at my first retreat in Divine in  February 1998 that I finally faced the life-changing questions - "What is my commitment to Jesus? Why am I a Catholic?" I lived another six years in Singapore and it is where I learnt how important personal prayer and Holy Mass was for my personal journey of faith. I had no Spiritual Director or spiritual mentor. It was a blessed grace that together with a group of Catholic friends, we prayed together monthly and had fellowship. I thank God DAILY for these Catholic friends of mine who are so much part of what I am today. They were my spiritual companions when I most needed to experience Jesus in my life as together we tried to learn to live for Christ.

Fr. Mathew Naickomparambil V.C - the Spearhead of our Divine-Potta ministry has always emphasized an important aspect for each of us to live a life pleasing to God - "No spiritual ministry or project will ever go anywhere without there first being Personal Prayer and Intercessory Prayer. It is crucial to have an infilling of the Holy Spirit within each of us before we can step up to be empowered and willing to move forth for Christ. We need to truly belong to a church community or prayer group to live our faith." It took me a number of years here in Divine before I understood and realized how prophetic Fr. Mathew's words are!  

Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., our Director's homily on the first day of this retreat  truly knocked on the door of my heart. Fr. Augustine said, "There are no "GREATS" in the Kingdom of God...All of us have a heavenly mark in our souls - chosen for a mission in the Church."  Father further  pointed out that when Jesus asked Simon Peter the same question three time -  " Simon  son of John, do you love me more than these others do? " Jesus did not ask Peter, "Will you feed my sheep?  Only when Peter committed himself totally to Jesus. "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you!" That is when Jesus  said to him, "Follow me!"   That is what is so crucial in our life - yours and mine. Our commitment is to Jesus! My fidelity is to Jesus who called and appointed me to serve. My fidelity is to serve Jesus joyfully.Every service is a service to the Lord."

As I heard Father's exhortation, it dawned in my heart that - no matter what I  do on this earth - from now on, what is truly important is that I do not lose my focus on living for Jesus EVERY moment! In whatever sphere of my life - be it in ministry or personal life, what I do must have a spiritual action plan to aim for my spiritual mission in life. Perhaps that is why St. Paul referred to living our Christian faith as running towards the goal - the goal is to always STRIVE "to win the prize, which is God's Call through Christ Jesus to the life above (cf. Philippians 3:12-14). To do that, we must train our hearts and mind to be able to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. The Voice of God is gentle - we need to train our hearts to be silent. To do so, we must have the discipline to have daily personal prayer and meditation and partaking of the Sacraments of the Church as often as we can. Yes, many Catholics pray but it is often a recitation of devotional prayers and novenas - always asking God for something for ourselves or our loved ones only! Are we making time in our lives to ponder, meditate and allow God to speak to our hearts - how we can achieve His mission for us on earth? In fact, we need to pray and discern our Call. God will reveal His Plan.

Here I have to share an important fact based on my journey in trying to answer God's Call. When I was asked to serve full-time in the Divine-Potta Ministry, I was never told what I would be doing in the ministry. All I was told was that the Directors had prayed individually and agreed that "God has a Call for you to serve full-time in the ministry and that God will slowly reveal His Plan for you." It was a brief discussion and to my great surprise I found myself saying a simple "Okay" and getting a huge smile from Fr. Augustine. Why was I able to? It was not a spur of the moment answer. I had been praying intensely for over two years to discern how God wanted to me serve Him. But I never ever imagined or entertained the idea of full-time ministry. My career was my whole life!  In my prayer journal, I had written down bible verses which showed clearly God was calling me to serve Him and in my notes, one of the sentences was "Father (Fr. Augustine) will ask you." I had written this on 14 September 2004 (Feast of the Triumph of the Cross) and Father asked me on 11 October 2004. So though I was unprepared (to be truthful I did not understand or even think of the message until Father asked me), it is why I could give a nearly instant "YES" answer without any detailed questions. My soul was ready! There was no need to ask nitty-gritty questions for I knew after my first retreat what my personal Christian mission was in my heart. I felt a great peace and inner joy within. What was needed  was that I take the leap of FAITH - the action to live my mission. 

To answer God's Call, it takes trust. I certainly do not even consider I had the faith of a tiny part of a mustard seed. Looking back, I believe, what was important was my desire and openness of heart to trust Jesus to lead me by the hand. I did not ask Fr. Augustine what I would do within the Divine-Potta ministry.  I did not demand to see or know all the "i's" and "t's" dotted out clearly in God 's Plan for my life in India. If I were to wait for that, I would definitely still be where I was in Singapore even now - for I would never have the courage to live the life I have had the past 11 years. It was very difficult for my family to accept my decision or understand why I would choose to do this. I think now they are resigned to it as I have chosen this life for 11 years now. :)

Has God placed a call or a spiritual goal/mission for you to achieve in your life? All of us will have a spiritual mission if we are a baptized Catholic. The question is whether we have actually bothered to truly have an open two-way relationship with God and commit ourselves to action as per Jesus' final command to every Christian - "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all mankind." (Mark 16:15) 

Colin Calmiano spoke so passionately during the retreat of how he answered and has lived the Call of God to him to be a full-time lay preacher.  Imagine doing that - there is no salary, medical benefits, insurance coverage, pension benefits! It is a life totally dependent on God's Providence and Grace. Colin is just a bundle of joyous energy and passion for Christ! He is committed to serving God and yet he leads a balanced life in his commitment to his marriage and his children too.  Even when he was in the corporate world in the IT industry! So Colin knows the struggle to try and serve God in the secular world and how he was faithful - never putting his commitment to Jesus after his worldly goals.  When, he heard God's Call after 12 years to preach the Word of God, Colin and his wife did not hesitate. They began praying about it in personal prayer and as a couple and God revealed His Call to them.(Colin's son Michael is a special needs child). God is ever faithful! Today, Colin is a much sought-after and inspiring Catholic lay preacher worldwide. We count Colin as part of our Divine Family as he is often here to proclaim God's Word during Divine's special retreats.

There are a multitude of ways to serve God. Jesus needs each of us. He has made each of us unique - to  build up the Kingdom of God here on earth. We cannot all be doing the same thing. The best way is to be part of a Catholic community in church or having a circle of committed Catholic friends who will pray and have regular joyful fellowship together. Prayer is the "spiritual glue" that keeps our heart and mind centred on Christ and with each other for the dream God has placed in our hearts - that is the Promise of God's Word.  "Again I say to you, that if two fo you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by my Father in heaven." (Matthew 18:19)

We are called to ACT and LIVE our faith. You and I are all called be the "Lights in the World" (Philippians 2:15) and "Salt of the Earth" (Matthew 5:13). How open and ready are we to do something for God? Or is it always the excuse that we are busy with work and family commitments? Are we expecting others to do something? What about you and me? When we open our hearts to Jesus and have the desire, nothing can stop us from achieving great dreams for Christ. For the Word of God promises, "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Committed Catholics are needed in every sphere of life e.g. political, legal, medical, financial, educational and sporting fields. Hence a Catholic has really no excuse to say "I am too busy to serve God" - you and I have to serve and live for Jesus wherever we are. It is not about thumping bibles or keep preaching about God. It is about living and exemplifying Jesus' Presence in us. What did I gain most from this annual retreat by Colin?  It is about the  IMPORTANCE of having DISCIPLINE, INTEGRITY and GOALS for GOD's SPIRITUAL PLAN in my life. It is about PERSEVERING until I reach the gates of Heaven. Jesus is never going to force any of us. His Love is so great that He gives us free will. Yet, our human will often takes precedence. When our lives are hectic, I often hear people saying they have given up their church ministry as the first thing to be stopped. It is not their gym sessions (which is more than once a week), watching television, evenings out with friends or networking for their careers. The one morning or night a week they would spend a few hours serving God is the first to be cut out. So what really is the priority in life - the world or God? Why not take a break from the gym or other social activities instead? I love this quote of Rick Warren - "Faithful servants never retire. You can retire from your career, but you will never retire from serving God."

This retreat further strengthened my heart's conviction that the dream I believe our Lord has placed in my heart is the CONSTANT in my life. I need to fully respond as Jesus did on earth - "To do the Will of My Father."Everything else in life pales in comparison. What truly matters is fulfilling God's Desire and Plan for my life. It is a life-long goal and I need to put my best effort into this important life mission. I cannot be doing just the same things I first did when I became aware of God's Call. Much prayer, discernment, discipline,  character, integrity and spiritual creativity is needed to constantly challenge myself to strive for the main prize - running the best race in my journey of faith. It means giving top priority to God's Plan in my life not on my worldly personal plans. Have I been procrastinating? Have I been spiritually lazy to put off goals I feel called  in my heart to do for our Lord? Have I put Jesus as the centre of my life? Have I truly prayed and discerned what Jesus is asking of me and seeking His Blessings and Guidance to help me plan? Have I prayed for all my friends with whom I will be serving together for our Lord? Being a Catholic is being a community - we have to learn to unite our prayers and serve together.

Nothing on this earth will matter as much as living for our Heavenly Father who created us - you and me - for the manifestation of His Glory. We leave behind everything else on earth when we die. All we can take is how we lived striving endlessly with Joy, Zeal and Commitment to fulfill our personal Christian mission on earth. Each of us have a Christian mission - what and how you and I respond to God's Plan in doing His Will in our life will be the final answer we get when we complete our finite earthly life.

The YouTube music video at the top of this post - "DO SOMETHING" by Matthew West truly galvanized my heart. I think it will be my 2015 personal ministry theme song - to spur me on. Eternity beckons...

Prayer keeps our sight focused on God, so that the more prayerful one’s life is, the more one is aware of God’s call, His plan, and His promise. A life rooted in prayer is a life lived in the context of God’s grace.

---from St. Anthony Messenger