“IF ANYONE WANTS TO COME WITH ME, HE MUST FORGET SELF, TAKE UP HIS CROSS EVERY DAY, AND FOLLOW ME.” (Luke 9:23)

We commemorated ALL Souls Day in the Catholic Church yesterday - 02 November.  All Souls Day is often very poignant for me - when I remember the love and joy of the incredible gift God has given me through my late father, G. D. Alexander, my late sister, Bridget, and my late brother-in-law, Dusty. All three of them were of different personalities yet in one thing they were the same - each of them taught me about love, of faith and the joy of being one family.

Life is a mystery. In early Dec 2007, Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., the Director, here at Divine Retreat Centre asked me to write articles. It made no sense to me. I remember asking, "Who will read my article, Father?" His reply was. "I will read your article." I seriously doubted the busiest priest I know in this world would bother to read something I wrote! Needless to say, I actually thought it was just a way Father may have suddenly thought to keep me occupied for some unknown reasons. Yet a few days later, I was inspired to write about my experience of my father, Papa, in his last few months of his life and my struggle to follow God's Call in my heart. It was my first attempt to write about how I have experienced God's Love and Presence in my life. From then, I began to write about one or two articles each month for a readership of one - Fr. Augustine. It used to puzzle me as the inspiration to write, even to this day, seems to come out of the blue! Often,  I would be busy with some other work and I would put everything aside to write!  Fr. Augustine, while not knowing I would one day start this personal blog (nearly 3 years later on 21 August 2010), is instrumental with his Godly wisdom in getting me to reflect on my life experiences in a spiritual way. I know despite my human struggles that no matter the circumstances, be it one of joy or sadness, Jesus keeps His Promise to me, "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

This month, November, we specially remember all our departed loved ones who have returned to God. I never thought I would ever share the article I wrote because it is deeply personal to me. Yet today, as I came into my office, I felt a strong prompting after I prayed to do so now. So I am sharing my very first article that I wrote on 09 December 2007 - five months after my father passed away on my birthday, 01 July 2007. 

I am glad that I have begun writing for it most helps me personally - to realize how much I love Jesus because He is always there for me even when I have fallen away from Him. Jesus is always faithful and it is His Love that lifts me up and gives me the courage to pick up my cross and to follow Him. Fr. Augustine shared in the homily last night, "We are pilgrims here on earth until we reach our Eternal City in Heaven. Our lives must be fully committed to God - Christ-centred." To follow Jesus is not easy but God's Grace will take each of us - you  and me - to our Heavenly Home...where our departed loved ones are now.

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Written on 09 December 2007

Looking back at the past twelve months, it was a year that I wish could have been a little different. At least, I wished it had been a little easier for me to handle. Being a fulltime volunteer these past 3 ½ years, there is no excuse for me to say that the Word of God is not something I hear proclaimed often or that I have no opportunity to spend time in personal prayer . This was a year when I spent a number of months back in my home country. My father’s health took a sudden turn for the worse while I was home and all of a sudden it dawned on me – I had prayed for my family and done my best to prepare myself for this painful event – the day was drawing near when all of us have to say a final goodbye to our most beloved father.

“My Grace Is All You Need…” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have tried to comfort others in times of sickness and sufferings of their loved ones. Now I was in the same situation. I had to watch my father as he was weakening, unable to eat solid food, having extreme difficulty to walk, needing physical assistance, having to bear pain and suffering. The hardest part of all was to see my father who used to be so strong and active looking so very dependent and helpless! My mother who had single-handedly cared for my father after his congestive heart failure in 2000 was obviously made of much stronger stuff than me! She was cheerful, patient and always there for my father who seemed to want her close by at all times. I marvelled at the graces God had bestowed on her. After all, to see one’s life partner of fifty-six years in the final days of his life is not easy – it would leave a huge gap in her life.

My beloved late Papa and my Mum

My mother often said that whatever she needed, God always seemed to give her when she prayed for it. After just a few days, one of her children would always call and give or send her what she would have been wishing for!  It is the fulfilment of God’s promise to each and every one of us, “When you pray, I will answer you. When you call to me, I will respond.” (Isaiah 58:9)  God was listening to my mother and He was taking care of her when none of us could be physically around. Yet, the stress of all the years of being the sole caregiver did catch up and my mother’s health was also affected during that same period too. I was beside myself with anxiety and concern for both my parents. To the outside world, many people commented how calm and strong I was – if only they knew the turmoil within me - anxiety and the fear. After a few weeks, an inner peace came into my heart and mind. I remembered the many times I had heard it being told during the homilies in Divine – God will keep all the promises that He has given us through His Word, the Bible. At this point, I found somewhere deep within me the ability to finally let go of my own human instincts that I MUST be with my parents. It was more important that God was with them at all times!

“God Loves You, So Don’t Let Anything Worry You Or Frighten You.” (Daniel 10:19)

I remember praying and asking God for strength as I was totally exhausted and I could not bear to see the rapid deterioration of my father’s health and my mother’s situation. As I prayed for my father, God comforted me with this bible message, “I am your God and will take care of you until you are old and your hair is grey. I made you and will care for you; I will give you help and rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:1) Do not be afraid – I am with you! (Isaiah 43:5) What a difference God’s Word made to me! Well, my father was old – 85 and his hair was grey. I knew then God would never forsake my father who had deep faith in God and a great devotion to Mother Mary. It was also obvious that it was God’s Spirit that gave my mother such fortitude.

“Your Word is a Lamp to Guide Me And A Light For My Path.” (Psalm 119:105)

Then came the real test for me – do I remain at home or should I return to India to continue my fulltime volunteer work? I had been praying intensely for three months. The answer was always the same. God’s gentle voice prompting me to return, ‘I have work for you to do in India.” I was guided in my decision by many bible verses that just pierced my heart and I got this bible message constantly, “I have chosen you to be with me.” (Mark 3:14) Looking back now, this was the defining moment in the path I have chosen for my life. Some of the people closest to me did not understand how I could choose to leave my father whom I loved so dearly – knowing that I may not see him alive again.  I finally understand now what Jesus meant when He said, “If anyone wants to come with me, he must forget self, take up his cross every day, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)  

There will be a time in all our lives when Jesus will challenge us to live for Him, to forget our own wants, our needs and most of all our human love, to fix our gaze on His Face and to place our trust fully in Him. The words “take up his cross every day, and follow me” suddenly had a new meaning for me. It is not about me just choosing to serve God when everything was fine or stable in my life. I had to choose God above everything else – to be able to do God’s Will in my life every single day. To be able to trust that God loves those I love dearly more than I could ever love them – and that God will always hold them close in His embrace and lovingly let them know, “You are precious To Me.” (Isaiah 43:4) On Holy Thursday, my father asked to have the Last Sacrament. It was the first time he had ever asked for it himself. We knew my father’s time on earth was very limited. Before, we were making sure my father had the Anointing of the Sick every 6 months.

“This Day Is Holy; Do Not Be Sad” (1 Esdras 9:53)

On Easter Sunday night (8 April 2007), we had to rush my father by ambulance to hospital as he had breathing difficulties. As I was calmly trying to tell him that we had called an ambulance, he told me, “I do not want to die in hospital. I want to be in my own home.” I assured him that if he was dying, I would bring him home but this was just to help him breathe easier. By then, my mother, two sisters and nephew were all praying for we thought this was the end! Both my eldest and youngest sisters were in tears but kept it hidden from him. We had to call the other family members who were overseas. A million thoughts raced through my mind as I spoke to the Emergency Room doctor while they ran tests on my father, gave him oxygen and admitted him to the High Dependency Unit. I wished one of my brothers was with us to be in charge! But the Word of God I felt strongly in my heart and that echoed in my mind was, “Pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)  So we all prayed and thanked God for giving us such a loving and wonderful father/husband and this prayer really brought us comfort to put my father’s life in God’s Hands. Surprisingly, we were all very calm. My father was discharged two days later.

12 April 2007 will always be etched in my heart – the time I had to say goodbye to my father before I left for India – as I went into his room alone to gently let him know that I was leaving, for the first time ever, he showed great distress that I was leaving to return to India. It is hard to explain but I felt my heart splinter into a million pieces as I strove not to burst into tears in front of him. I kissed him and hoped that this would not be the last time I would see him alive – then I quickly walked out of the room, said a quick loving goodbye to my mother, sisters and nephew and rushed out. If I had looked back, I knew I would not leave home this time. It took all the courage I had to “follow Jesus.” I remembered the first verse of the hymn which has always meant a lot to me when I decided to serve God fulltime – “I have decided to follow Jesus - No turning back, no turning back.”

“I Have Always Loved You.” (Malachi 1:2)
God made the last few months of my father’s life a blessed one – all his children came home from different parts of the world and cared for him personally. It was a time of great bonding and a time to show our parents how much we loved them. It took great planning as we intentionally spaced our visits so that there would always be one of us with our parents. I realized if I had just stayed home, this precious time each of us had with our father to love and care for him might not have happened. God in His Wisdom knew what was best for all of us! Each of us was greatly comforted by being able to personally take care of my father. We also knew his quiet joy in having all his children around in his final days.

“I Will Tell Of God’s Unfailing Love; I Praise Him… (Isaiah 63:7)

By June, it seemed just a matter of time before my father would be bedridden. None of us wanted him to suffer in this condition. Medical tests taken showed my father’s vital organs were all functioning normally. Thus, we were not expecting anything sudden to happen. My younger sister and her daughter, who was the youngest grandchild, returned home to USA in the last week of June after a month’s visit – she was the last of the children to be with him.

Shortly after that, I was working late through the night one Saturday. When I reached my room, it was already 3.00 a.m. Sunday - it was my birthday! I sat on my bed and clearly remember my prayer, “O God, I have only one wish for my birthday. If it is Your Will, please do not make Papa suffer anymore and do not make him bedridden. Grant him a peaceful and blessed death. Take him to be with You.” I sat and prayed for quite a while. In the morning, I had a very cheerful call from my mother who for once actually remembered my birthday. Usually, I would have to call her to remind her it was so! She wished me on behalf of both of them. I was happy to hear my Mum sounding so upbeat.

A few hours later, at exactly at 3.00 p.m. India time, I received another phone call – it was my mother again. It took me a moment to grasp what she told me and by then she had put the phone down. All she said was, “I think Papa has died.” I tried calling back but the line was busy. I sat stunned thinking, “Papa has died on my birthday! How could that be?” I did get through finally and by then the medics had confirmed it was true. My father died very suddenly and peacefully with my mother next to him at home. It was his last wish to die in his own home and God also answered my mother’s wish – she always said, “I want to be with Papa till his last moment. I do not want him to die alone.” How wonderful and great is our Lord for He honoured my parents’ dearest wishes!!  It was about six hours before the first member of my family could reach home. It was a great blessing that loving Catholic friends quickly came around to be with my mother and helped her in making the initial final arrangements. It took me a few minutes to realize that in exactly twelve hours, God had answered my birthday prayer. I had to call all my siblings to inform them. I learnt upon my return home that my father would most likely have been totally bedridden in a few days.

This sad event has deepened my faith in God. He took care of each and every one of us in the family. None of us have any regrets now that we did not have our own time with my father. We could care for him and we could prepare ourselves to let him go to God. I was awed by God’s great love for me in answering my birthday prayer so promptly. These bible verses sum up how loving and attentive God is - “But God has indeed heard me; he has listened to my prayer. I praise God, because he did not reject my prayer or keep back his constant love from me.” (Psalm 66:19-20)

“Don’t Be Afraid Or Have Any Doubts…I Will Lead You.” (2 Esdras 16:75)

I believe I have grown up spiritually this year. Until recently, I thought I had not done much for God this year in terms of works and that I had really failed Him in some major aspects. However, I realize as this year now slowly ends, God was and is still working on me. This painful and difficult year is not a waste – it is in fact the opposite! God has helped me to examine my life and has gently shown me the areas that I need to work on so that I can truly follow Him. God also reassures me of His Love and that He will guide me. Despite all the doubts I will certainly face again in the future, I hope I will always have the faith and courage to forget my own desires and will - to pick up my cross daily and to follow Jesus. He will indeed lead me if I let Him! He will do it for each and every one of us. Are you ready to live for Christ and to follow Him too?

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As we treasure the memories of our departed loved ones, let us not take our relationships with our loved ones on earth for granted. Life at times nowadays seems to be just communication on WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter and so forth. We do not take the time to show our love and care for others which takes personal time and effort - a personal visit, phone calls to our parents and family members and friends, to take the time to write a personal letter or email to someone dear far away on their birthday or festive seasons or just to brighten their day.  I know I personally treasure these little things greatly. As I re-read what I first wrote nearly eight years ago, I feel in my heart the prompting to always have personal time with Jesus and connection with Him throughout each day AND never to forget to show my love and care for those who mean greatly to me. 

Let us not leave it too late.  

I hope the  beautiful YouTube song below, FATHER'S LOVE by Gary Valenciano, brings back cherished memories of your father's love in your lives too!