Have your ever pondered about your life and the path that has led you to where you are today? This year I took a 3-month break during which I was on personal leave as well as on ministry initiatives out of India. At the start of this year, I really felt I needed some time away from the mission to introspect and discern - am I living my Call as God is asking of me in my heart after 13 years or am I now in a comfort zone whilst serving in this mission?
As I get older, I realize how fragile and precious life is -When I was in my 20s' and 30s', I probably thought I was invincible then - I never even thought of dying. I dreamt of what and how I would live my life. Well, the reality is God had a very different plan. I am not afraid of death. What I do care deeply about is how to live my faith in action and not just by intention.
I began writing about my annual retreat experience on this blog since 2012. My retreat this year was from 30 July to 04 August 2017 - Divine's annual CALLED...GIFTED...SENT FORTH 2017 Retreat for Spiritual Leadership Formation of Priests, Religious & Lay Leaders in Ministry.
The first mass homily by Rev. Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., Director of Divine Retreat Centre, Kerala, India hammered a key point into all the retreatants. I know because a number of them actually had the same soul searching question as me at the start of our retreat. Fr. Augustine emphasized the one quality of a leader is to be committed. We need to have a total (absolute) commitment to the Lord. In case, you are thinking , "Well, I am not a leader. I do not hold any position in any lay ministry", and it is not applicable to you, you would need to change your mindset! We are not talking about the secular world. In our life as a Christian, each of us is born with a mission for God. What is more, Jesus exemplified "servant leadership". We are called to give glory to God in every aspect of our daily living. It is not about a ministry, recognition, position or reward on earth.
This retreat, a fundamental change which began during my 3-months of personal prayer and discernment, took root in my heart. It was about Total Surrender. I do not know about others but for me, I have to be seeking inner peace in my heart and mind to trust Jesus totally. It is about praying constantly and waiting upon God. That requires patience. I have found very helpful a Jesuit-inspired practice to examine my heart, "What would Jesus do if He was in my shoes?" I Iearnt this during a previous annual retreat by a Jesuit retreat director, Fr. Rex Pai SJ. It has really helped me in my faith journey. Yes, I have locked myself in my office and asked myself this question at the trying moments I have had!
I actually pondered deeply if I wanted to serve full-time in ministry - if I still had the zeal and fire in my heart to give my ALL for Jesus. I did a lot of soul-searching on how I have responded to the initial Call of God after my 1st Divine retreat in 1998 - six years before I was asked to serve full-time in India. The vision and words I saw and heard so clearly remains a vivid personal God-experience. I still have my prayer journal of that time of grace and the incredible inner joy as I felt my heart leap within me as I responded with a "YES" to serve here. It was totally out of the blue. However, as I went back on my prayer journal, it was very clear that Our Lord was preparing me. It was just that I was like young Samuel and I did not "recognize" the Voice of God. (cf. 1 Samuel 3:10) Looking back, I know I was given the great grace to begin to surrender my life to Jesus - to give up my career and the life I was used to and take a leap of faith into the unknown.
To live for Jesus is about a continuous surrender of our will so that ultimately it is all about doing God's Will. As St. Paul so wisely said. "He must increase; I must decrease." (John 3:30) Such a short sentence but how deep the meaning of this Word of God is! Total surrender and obedience is the key to total commitment to God. It is not just a "eureka" moment when suddenly we are breezing through life doing God's Will.
It is only when I truly seek to surrender all aspects of my life for God's Will to be done that I can give my ALL to Jesus. It is being able to really trust to leave it all in the Hands of God even if I do not know what the future holds. To surrender means to let go of my desire to have control of important areas of my life, to not dwell on my worries and anxieties and to really put myself in Jesus' Hands. Mother Mary exemplified total surrender - "Here I am. Lord, your handmaid. Let it be done to me according to your word." (Luke 1:38) It is a prayer I say before I receive Holy Communion ever since my 1st retreat in 1998. As the years go by, I gain a deeper insight into the richness and depth of this prayer of Mother Mary. She clearly teaches every Catholic how to live according to God's Will.
After my annual retreat, I was inspired to do the 33 Days to Morning Glory - a Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Marian Consecration. I do not know why it took me so long to do this as I had this booklet for nearly 2 years. It opened my heart to how much Mother Mary exemplified a Christ-centred life. Mother Mary lived a hidden life. Yet at all the important moments, it was Mother Mary who showed great courage and faith in her steadfast trust in God. She was there for Jesus and she was with the Apostles in prayer during Pentecost. Most importantly, Jesus has given His Mother to each of us. "Behold, your mother." (John 19:27)
When I surrender my life to do His Will, I can count on Jesus to take care of me. It is an assurance to every Christian as we live God's Plan for each of us.
The quote above by Erma Bombeck always struck a deep chord within me. It is my hope I can say this at the gates of heaven one day! I pray for God's Grace to give all that is within me away for the Glory of His Name.
The YouTube music video at the top of this post, "GIVE IT ALL WAY" by Sidewalk Prophets definitely reflects what I felt was the deep personal God-experience during this year's retreat for me. Some of my ministry initiatives may seem overwhelming currently. But I gained a clear revelation during this retreat. I still have a deep passion and conviction to give all that is in me away for Christ.
"For nothing will be impossible with God."
(Luke 1:37)
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