Life is stranger than fiction. Many of us can look back to our life and remember our first childhood dream of what we wanted to be. I was in a convent primary school and at the age of ten, many of my classmates wanted to be teachers or nuns (the Catholic ones) when we were first asked to write about our "Ambition in Life". Not me! For some reason, I wanted to be an ambassador for Malaysia. Till today, I am not sure how that came into my mind, but I had it for at least 2 years. Then I wanted to be a lawyer who prosecuted the "crooks" - not a defence lawyer when I was 12.
Thankfully by the time I was in college in Canada, I wanted to be in the marketing management field. Life was going according to my personal 3 and 5 year life-plans. It was a joy to work in in the airline industry, my first love, as I wanted to travel the world. Our Lord blessed me greatly. I started in Kuala Lumpur and was posted to Singapore and Hong Kong too. At these stages of my life, I took Jesus for granted. My parents were very devout Catholics and they were the ones praying for their 8 children to be God-fearing and to be successful. I became a lukewarm Catholic in Canada and eventually only went to church on holy days of obligation (I did not realize then that every Sunday was a day of obligation). It was slightly better in Malaysia, Singapore and Hong Kong as I did go for Sunday masses.
However, I only prayed to pass exams, get through job projects and my faith was extremely superficial. Life was smooth generally. I know it was the prayers of my parents asking God to bless and protect each of their children which brought God's blessings upon my career. When I read the Holy Bible many years later, I cringed at this verse - "So because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." (Revelation 3:16) This was God describing me to a "T"!
Kuching Divine Lenten Retreat with Archbishop Simon Poh
I never even once imagined I would choose to serve full-time in the Divine-Potta ministry, a Catholic mission in India. I was not active in church ministry except for 3 years in RCIA while living in Singapore. I am convinced Jesus chooses the unlikely ones for we know everything we do is purely through His Grace. Now decades later, after being blessed to serve full-time there for 16 1/2 years, and having gone through many spiritual challenges and obstacles in life, there is an inescapable fact that I have learnt. Our God is a faithful God. Even when I feel great despair and cannot pray, Jesus never lets go of me. During the season of Lent this year, I had the blessed opportunity to assist in the DIvine Malaysian Lenten Mission Retreats 2023 by Fr. Michael Payyapilly VC and Fr. Joseph Kannampilly VC along with Vincent T (the music worship leader) in Kuching, Sarawak and Kuantan, West Malaysia. I had attended the first retreat in Kuala Lumpur as a retreatant. Instead of being triply strengthened by the Word of God of these 3 retreats, I actually felt very despondent instead. To make matters worse, I had a persistent eye problem until Divine Mercy Sunday. To be frank, I felt that my life was at a standstill and I could not figure out what was my future back here in Malaysia.
In times of personal crisis, the only thing that helps me is to withdraw and just stay away from social media and friends to spend personal quiet time. What helps me is quiet reflection even when I cannot pray fervently. It is not for everyone but it is when I feel less anxiety to find the inner peace I am trying to seek, I reflect on written reflections and spiritual books. It helps me as I love reading. Social media seems like noise in these times when I am struggling to cling to Jesus. It is only on Maundy Thursday morning that I felt the deep burden upon me suddenly lift up. I could pray once again with a lightness in my heart and mind. The online written Holy Week reflections pierced my heart once again to how much Jesus was about suffer for my sins and of the world to give me Eternal Life. And here I was being ungrateful!
I was focusing on my own struggles and how silent I felt Jesus was in hearing and answering my prayers. It dawned on me that I was so blessed I could be part of the Lenten mission to assist in sharing Jesus' Immense Love for every human being. Not just those who are holy but for every living being. So many retreatants shared with me their gratitude and joy of the fruit of the retreat they experienced. And here I was, losing hope because it seemed unclear how I could continue to answer God's Call in my life and to take care of my personal life.
Do I have any clear answer now as I write this post? The answer is "No". I had been reflecting on The Way / Furrow/ Forge by St. Josemaria Escriva. It is a little thick booklet that I loved even before my mission years in India. I had not reflected on it since I returned to Malaysia.
I have a number of quotes in my prayer journal from Maundy Thursday to Holy Saturday. The first quote I read on Good Friday morning took away my fears and worries through this question by Jesus to His Disciples:
"He said to them, "When I sent you forth without money bag, sack or sandals, were you in need of anything?" "No, nothing they replied."
(Luke 22:35 NAB)
Each of us face different struggles in our lives. Often many people do not even realize the turmoil or doubts within their family members or friends. It is not easy for me to share this difficult period in my life. It is like exposing my lack of faith in God who is ever faithful even when I am not faithful. I was also angry with myself at my little faith to feel despondent over my future...imagine after so many years of full-time mission service! The reason I am sharing is Jesus knows our human frailty. There are times when we feel Jesus is too silent - "Is He listening to my prayers? If He is, why is Jesus not helping me?" All these "Why" and "Why Not" questions I have is definitely because I want Our Lord to act according to my plans in my human timing. I may still not yet fully know how God is moulding me since my return to Malaysia or His Plan for me. But the title quote of this post I read today, inspired to write this blogpost, "LIFE IS GOD's NOVEL. LET HIM WRITE IT." (Isaac Bashevis Singer)
The Word of God, Jeremiah 29:11 is not an empty Promise of God:
If I trust God's Plan for me, I need to persevere in prayer and to stay connected to him. If I cannot pray in difficult moments, I can sit in His Presence in silence and know that I am never alone. It also does not mean I do nothing and just wait for something to drop into my life. Each of us need to discern and take the necessary steps to live our role and vocation in life. If I am still on this earth, it means God has a mission for me - my pilgrimage on this earth is not yet over. I need to be proactive and have hope and zeal that I will glorify God in all aspects of my life.
Prayer keeps us connected to God. It is St. Teresa of Avila who told God, "If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few of them!" It is because St. Teresa had such a deep personal relationship to God that she could say it to God. We need to have this in our lives - a deep personal relationship with God. Then, even in times of crisis or self-doubt, we will not lose hope. We will not give up.
The YouTube music video at the top of this post, "I WON'T LET GO" by Rascal Flatts spoke deeply to my heart. It is the first time I have listened to this song today.
I know in my heart that Jesus will never let go of me - so I won't let go of You too, Lord! Let us keep the faith when we struggle and our Light of Christ dims. God surrounds us with loved ones whose prayers will share their Light of Christ to keep each of us going. It is why praying for others is so important. We do not have to know everything that is going on in our loved ones' lives - our daily prayer for them will sustain them. Prayer is the "oxygen" for us to stay connected to God while we are earth's pilgrims.
