GIVE ME THIS MOUNTAIN- I WILL NOT BE TURNING BACK

Chorus lyrics: GIVE ME THIS MOUNTAIN  (CALEB'S SONG by Graham Kendrick) 

Give me this mountain

I will not be turning back

Give me this mountain

For your glory

Give me this mountain

Jesus’ blood has overcome
So I’m not quitting till it’s done

2018 has been a year of "renewal" for me. It has been a time when I have experienced the loss of my comfort zone in a certain aspect of my ministry and the need to make some decisions in other areas of my personal life. The strange thing was that since I came into full-time ministry, I had always been conscious of not wanting to live for Christ from my heart's perspective of being in a position of "comfort zone". For the  last few years, I felt somewhat restrained to serve as I felt in my heart. The Call of God that I tangibly experienced in Singapore after my first retreat in Divine 20 years ago still remained vivid in me.

Well, to put it mildly, I was praying intensely since August 2017 for God to reveal His Plan for me if it was His Will. I wanted to get out of my "comfort zone" of what I had been doing to what I have always felt deeply in my heart. But was it God's Will for me or was it my will? I was determined to find out.

Jesus granted me a great grace a month after I started intensifying my prayers in November 2017. I had a great desire to experience an Ignatian personal silent directed retreat since 2006. Each year, I was trying to find the time to do so when I was in Malaysia/Singapore on my personal leave. But it was never possible - for some reason, it was always hectic! But this time, I decided that Malaysia/Singapore was too close to my daily life activities. Furthermore, Divine is where I live so it is not easy  to be still and silent in the midst of my ministry here.  I wanted to do what Jesus asks each of us - "Come away by yourselves and rest in a secluded place." (Mark 6:31)   I started checking out the Jesuit Spirituality Centres in Australia, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Thailand. When I read the website of the Seven Fountains Spirituality Centre in Chiangmai, Thailand, my heart just knew. So immediately I sent off an email with the idea to start  my 2018 annual personal leave after Easter with my silent directed Ignatian retreat in April 2018. What was so surprising was that this desire to do so came during a very busy ministry schedule for me. I decided to write on 20 December 2017 and got a swift reply. With that, God was already revealing His Love for me.

Throughout the Lenten season, I had asked Jesus to show me tangible signs for 3 major decisions I had to make in my life. I got all 3 signs during Holy Week. For me, it was rather difficult, as there was deep pain in one of the signs and the way I had to experience it. 

When I arrived at Seven Fountains on 22 April 2018  (after a few days as a tourist in Chiangmai), my heart felt an incredible sense of peace. There was a funny incident just as I arrived at the office after the Sunday Holy Mass in the Seven Fountains chapel. I was thinking, "Here, I am and how great that no one knows me. It is just going to be Jesus and me." Within a minute, a fellow retreatant walked up to me and asked if I was Susan Alexander. I was really surprised  and he then said that he had seen my photo on this blog. Till today, I do not know what his name was because I was speechless at the thought a small photo on my blog could make someone recognize me. I forgot to ask his name! I had a very good nap on my first day and a truly blessed time of personal prayer and meditative reflection after dinner. My laptop was having a rest too and I was off all social media. My physical and mental fatigue was being lifted away and replaced by the blessedness of the stillness of my heart. 

Rev. Fr. Paul Pollock SJ

My Spiritual Director was Rev. Fr. Paul Pollock SJ, Director, Seven Fountains Jesuit Spirituality Centre, Chiangmai, Thailand. At the start of my personal retreat , Fr. Paul asked me to "Eat Well, Sleep Well, Pray Well". The goal of my first day was to pray  as Samuel did  - "Here I am , Lord. Your servant is listening. Speak to me, Lord." (cf 1 Samuel 3:10)  I was asked to read a library book "A Vacation with the Lord" by Rev. Fr. Thomas Greene SJ. In his book, this American priest had written the phrase - "Eat Well. Sleep Well. Pray Well". Fr. Paul wanted me to take my personal retreat as my vacation with the Lord. I was happy to do that! Most of the retreats I have been to were hectic. Just having the silence for 6 days was indescribable. There were about 20 retreatants throughout my stay - when some left, new ones came. We saw each other in the dining hall, But we never spoke to each other as we sat on different tables maintaining our silence. I only made friends with a really lovely Singaporean lady when we shared the taxi to Chiangmai airport and sat beside each other on the flight back to Singapore.  


Every day, I really enjoyed having the time to watch a few friendly rabbits and a male "alpha" turkey and his extended family. He was always looking after his family like a shepherd! I was impressed at its complete dedication. If a turkey could so lovingly care for its family, how much more would God do for each of us?  Seven Fountains is a peaceful refuge although it is in the city. I stayed in the St. Pierre Favre Residence and I immediately loved my room and most of all the St. Pierre Favre chapel in this building. The first Word of God I got as I prayed in this chapel was, "Show me a sign of thy favour, that those who hate me may see and be put to shame because thou, LORD, has helped me and comforted me." (Psalm 86:17)   

"Maturity is when you live by your commitments, not by your feelings" by Pastor Rick Warren. I came across this quote which spoke to my heart as I was leaving the chapel on my first night, I asked Jesus for a sign (before I met Fr. Paul the next morning) - to show me a pretty insect with some white colour on it that will flutter around - as a sign that Jesus will be with me every moment of this Ignatian retreat.

I was so joyous the next day! When I opened my room door the next morning, I saw an insect I have never seen before (picture above). It was just outside my room. I had accidentally left  my bible in a chapel in another building so I was in a hurry to get it. As I took a few steps away, this insect started fluttering around my room door. My heart was filled with joy and I thanked Jesus for showing me a tangible sign of His Presence with me. When I came back, the insect was still outside my door. I went in, got my camera and took the photo as a special momento. A few days later, when I showed the photo of the insect to Fr. Paul, he said he had never seen an insect like that before! I thought it looked like a peacock. :) From the start of the retreat, Fr. Paul encouraged me to look for "signs from God". I was quite taken aback when Fr. Paul told me that it would be the way God would always speak to my heart. It was a blessed affirmation for me as I had experienced meaningful signs from God since my first retreat 20 years ago in my faith journey. It was a joy to hear it from my retreat director. Indeed, the greatest grace of this Ignatian retreat was that God showed me tangible signs every day.  

The first two days was enlightening. I had never reflected on Philip and the eunuch (Acts 8:26-40) Yet Fr. Thomas Greene in his book explained about Philip in a way I had never ever thought before. The Apostle Philip's "Total Availability to God". This really made me look deep into my heart - was I totally available to God? Was I willing to let go of the familiar? Was I willing to walk by faith even if I was not sure of my future? It was a difficult third and fourth day. I experienced the pain and hurts in my heart - did I have the perseverance and endurance to trust Jesus was in control of my life? Honestly, it was not easy for me. It was then I realized that I had to let Jesus refresh and renew my heart and spirit so that I can truly live for God with joy. It was important that I surrender my heart mind and soul for a fresh anointing of God's Spirit and Love for me - just as I am.  Only then would I be able to to live with a heart that is totally available for God. At nearly 2.00 a.m. on the fourth day of my retreat, I came across a quote by Billy Graham, "God never takes away something from your life without replacing it with something better." My heart found  a peaceful comfort but I forgot about this quote until I went through my prayer journal to write this post!

I was truly blessed with the spiritual guidance of Fr. Paul. It is never easy for me to share what is deep in my heart. One reason is in the retreat centre, every one is so busy with their ministries, we often only shared with Jesus in our personal prayer time. Often, a lot of time goes by and then it is just kept inside my heart. To be able to be totally open and share anything that came from prayers and heart-provoking reflection during this 6-day retreat with Fr. Paul was truly liberating. I felt Jesus' Love, Joy and Acceptance radiating from Fr. Paul during our daily half hour morning sessions.  When I did make the major decisions and shared it with Fr. Paul during my last session, I was humbled when Father said that I had made a very difficult decision but it was a sign that I was spiritually mature. What truly touched my heart was that Fr. Paul said that he would pray for me every day as my ministry was not easy nor the decision that I had made  - but it was the right decision. 

I spent three months doing what Jesus lovingly blessed me with - a wonderful, rest-filled and joyful time with my siblings, friends and loved ones in Melbourne, Singapore, Bali and Kuala Lumpur. Of course it began with my personal time with Jesus in Chiangmai, Thailand. My soul, mind and body were refreshed by all the rest, joy and love. A very painful year-long ankle injury was nearly fully healed. I had lots of quiet time to pray and reflect too. Praise God!

CHIANGMAI, THAILAND

Please click on the photos to view normal size

Thai & Akhla Cooking Class

Wat Phra That Doi Suthep

An Ethical Happy Elephant Home Sanctuary

An Ethical Happy Elephant Home Sanctuary

Wat Phra Singh Temple

Sacred Heart Cathedral

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA

Guy, Kathy & Chilli

Dog -Friendly Getaway at Countrywide Cottages

Chilli - my holiday companion

My 1st Absract Oil Painting

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BALI, INDONESIA
A great Bali vacation! with Rosie & Max

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA

A short visit and my birthday in KL!

Carol & Jen - laughter as always

My birthday cake

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SINGAPORE

Rosie, my nephew Max & niece Laura - caught up before she flew back to USA 

Last but not least - a GREAT evening with high school SES Kluang classmates!! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Fr. Michael Payyapilly V.C. - Director of Tabor Divine Retreat Centre, Mumbai, India shared in the Called...Gifted...Sent Forth Retreat last week, spoke volumes to me in affirming the decisions I made. Fr. Michael, said "No one should disturb the sacredness of another person's ministry." Indeed these words struck a chord deep within my heart and it was yet again a clear sign for me in this retreat that the decision I had made in April was spiritually right. I realized that when I cannot carry out a certain aspect of my ministry fully, it is Jesus asking me to let go. It is being "totally available to God" as Phillip the Apostle. He did not question when Jesus  brought him to the eunuch  to explain the Word of God NOR did he  resist when Jesus whizzed him away immediately after he had done so! Phillip was ready to do whatever our Lord wanted of him. What a beautiful grace to possess! It is what I am praying for now.  Jesus knows the Plan He has for me. Until I let go, I will not be able to follow His Call with joy and zeal for what lies ahead for me. Indeed, I will now move forward by taking the action to let go and let God!

My identity is not tied to what I do in ministry for our Lord. None of our "heavenly" identity is tied to the job/career or ministry we hold. It is important and sought after in the world but when each of us reach Heaven's Gate for our "eternal life", that is the least important aspect that St. Peter would want to know in order to let us in! I have to trust completely in Jesus when He leads me out of my comfort zone, to let go and to wait upon Him for what God has in store for me. I find it difficult but I am "working" on it - waiting upon God. Actually, there is so much to be done within the ministry and in life for Christ - having a waiting heart strengthens one's spiritual discipline as St. Paul beautifully explained about Love in (1 Corinthians 13:7) - "It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

At the end of my Ignatian retreat, Fr. Paul encouraged me to write a book. I am not ready to write my second book yet. A number of close friends have been encouraging me to write another book for a number of years, and I will do so - in God's Time!

The YouTube music video above of the touching hymn "GIVE ME THE MOUNTAIN (CALEB'S SONG) by Graham Kendrick spoke to my heart when I heard it for the first time a few days ago. Hence, my inspiration to write this blogpost. I hope it is the start for me to once again write my monthly post with the Joy of the Lord as my strength! I give thanks to God for my family and dear friends who had prayed for me as I took this three months to have "a vacation with the Lord". It is important to live life with an "attitude of gratitude" - something a friend had sent me yesterday!

"Brethren, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but one thing I  do, 
forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead."

(Philippians 3:13)

This post is dedicated to Fr. Paul Pollock SJ for joyously guiding me to always

love and live for Christ with openness of heart! God bless you abundantly, Fr. Paul!