STARTING RIGHT NOW I'LL BE STRONG!

There are some of us who constantly worry about the future - about being financially secure and healthy in our old age and in the other extreme is some who rarely think about what could happen when we reach the golden years of our life. Until two years ago, I was in the latter category. I was constantly asked throughout my fulltime ministry here by family and practically every friend of mine had asked me over the past 12 years similar questions - "What about your future  when you are old? What are you going to do, Susan? You need to start making plans."  To be honest, I was never afraid or had any worries about my future until I fell twice and had terrible thumps on the back of my skull exactly six months apart two years ago. 2015 is a year that made me begin to think of my mortality. The 16 months of recuperation - enforced bed rest, physiotherapy, accupuncture, the terrible pressure on my brain when I worked on the computer (and worse when on my laptop!) were things only I knew what I was going through. For everyone else around me, life was normal. The  miracle was that the Grace of God  helped me to do all my ministry projects. Praise God!

Yet there I was - in the midst of a very busy retreat centre - struggling and that is when fear crept into my heart about my future. I had gone through not remembering some of the volunteers names' who I had known for years! Many of the names came back to me after a few hours or a couple of days later but there was one volunteer who I had known since I first came to this centre, and yet my mind was a complete blank of her name for over 3 months! And I felt uncomfortable asking anyone what her name was. I also kept thinking the day's date was 2 days ahead - and many other little things that kept happening that began to worry me. Perhaps I should have shared these incidents with someone but I did not. Looking back, I think that is when fear of my future crept into my heart especially in the month of December as the New Year beckons.

What is fear? In the Cambridge English Dictionary Fear is defined as:

"an unpleasant emotion or thought that you have when you are frightened or worried by something dangerous, painful, or bad that is happening or might happen."

Fr. Jacob Arimpur V.C. Assistant Director - Divine Retreat Centre

Being a lay person in ministry has its own set of challenges - obviously we do not have the financial security we would have in the secular world - salaries, Provident Funds, company medical coverage, company personal and medical Insurance. In other words, it is difficult to ensure a comfortable "nest egg" for our old age. Of course, we all need to be prudent and have plans but I realized on 31 December this year something very vividly which I had overlooked. It was like as if God was speaking only to me during the Thanksgiving Adoration Service that was being conducted by Fr. Jacob Arimpur V.C.  It was like a thunderbolt  when Fr. Jacob shared so eloquently of God's Providence in each of our lives. Fr Jacob proclaimed - "Let God reveal His Providence - He is the God who is providing for us." Fr. Jacob spoke of all that God had provided for us in 2016 and throughout our lives. Like a bright light bulb switching on in my brain, a very clear thought came to my mind - which I had never thought of before - and brought great peace into my heart about my future. I quickly jotted it in my journal to check if it was accurate later. Thankfully, I quite often have a notebook during homilies which I use for personal reflection. Perhaps, I am a writer at heart. :)  When I put things down on paper, I tend to remember it. The Word of God just sprang forth within me  - "I raise my eyes to the mountains. From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2) I thanked the Holy Spirit for reminding me of one of my most favourite psalms - Psalm 121 - THE LORD MY GUARDIAN (NAB)

I had spoken to a priest earlier in the day - because of some issues I was trying to really understand in the Light of God's Wisdom about my life. Was I discerning correctly? My love for the Divine-Potta ministry burns brighter than ever. There are current/new mission initiatives I still feel very passionately to try and do within the Divine-Potta ministry. Yet there was still a confusion if I should listen to my heart or to my head now? I have always usually followed my heart before.

The words of the hymn, "I Have Decided To Follow Jesus" has a very special meaning to me  as I consider it my Call song. It was a verse of this hymn that I had written to my siblings when I first told them that I had given up my career and was going to serve full-time in Divine Retreat Centre - "The world behind me, the Cross before me. No turning back, no turning back." During the New Year Vigil Mass, I remembered that day on 11 October 2004 when I decided in my heart that I would now only serve God from that day onwards  - no turning back to my previous lifestyle. At that time, I was serving here already for 3 months in what I had assumed would be a 6-month stint. Jesus prepared me during my daily prayers and bible reflection so that when I was asked to do so, I had absolutely no doubts even though I never once even thought of being in full-time ministry - not once until I was asked! In fact, I do not even recall asking any questions of what I would do at the retreat centre or of any other questions one would normally ask when moving to a different country!

Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C., Director - Divine Retreat Centre

Fr. Augustine Vallooran V.C.'s New Year Vigil homily confirmed what had stirred and given me new hope and understanding of God's Call to me. Fr. Augustine shared the following which affirmed and inspired me not just for the New Year 2017 but for my future to ponder on the following wisdom-filled message from God:

"Every blessing has been a gift of God."

""The hymn of Mother Mary (the Magnificat) is both a prophecy and a promise.  'The generations will call me blessed' is a prophecy to Mother Mary. It was a promise too. Mother Mary became blessed because she believed. To believe means to trust. To trust means to let go."

"Mary spent her life  as a handmaid of the Lord." 

"God will inspire us to the ways of the Lord."

"When we surrender the New Year, all the things we do and all the places to go, God will hold us close to Him - if we just want to be His servants and His stewards."

"Accept this gift of the New Year  from the Hands of God." 

After the New Year celebrations with our Divine community, I went back to my office filled with the Joy and Hope of the Lord. I committed my life to Jesus once again  - to let go of my fears and to trust Him with my life. I will do my outmost to spend my life as a handmaid of the Lord. After all, God is holding me close to His Heart - just as He is holding each one of us!

The song, "THE FIGHT SONG"  by Rachel Platten at the the top of this post best sums up what I am inspired  not just for 2017 but for the rest of my life - "Christ's Power is turned on in me!"

Chorus lyrics of the Fight Song:

This is my fight song.

Take back my life song.

Prove I'm alright song.

My power's turned on,

starting right now I'll be strong.

I'll play my fight song.

And I don't really care if no one else believes...

Because I've still got a lot of fight left in me