We often ponder more deeply about the lyrics of the hymns that are sung during retreats more than when we attend Holy Mass in our church in our own parishes. At least, I have often heard these comments from retreatants and even felt so myself before!
Well, that is not surprising. After all, we are allowing the Word of God to take root in our hearts when we deeply immerse our hearts and mind into the retreat during Praise & Worship sessions, talks, Holy Mass and Adoration services on God's Word - our uninterrupted special time of being consciously aware of God's True Presence in our lives.
Until I experienced my first retreat, my relationship with God was actually rather stunted. It was more knowing of Jesus but not experiencing the intimacy of a real relationship with Him. I was really into being in control of my life and the future I had planned for myself. Yes, I admit, I am someone who used to have 1-year, 3-years and 5-years goals in life since my college days and I was very serious about achieving these goals. All these goals for my finite life here on earth. I had not realized that I am only a pilgrim on earth for my eternal home is Heaven! Last night, I was reading an online article about Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft. It seems every minute of his day is meticulously planned - even to the time it would take for a photo-shoot of shaking hands with a head of state. He did not like to waste a minute of his time. Of course most of us are not to that extreme but are we all not guilty of wanting to be in control in every aspect of our finite life if that is possible? Yet how little time and effort we "invest" to ensure our Eternal Life in Heaven.
I am now in my 12th year of saying "YES" to fulltime ministry - a really important milestone for someone who never even dreamt of being involved in a weekly church ministry. My 12th Anniversary was on 11th October 2016.
Ministry life is not all joy and plain sailing. I have had people tell me many time how "lucky" I am that I am not working in the secular world. Well, all I can say is that perhaps you need to experience one whole year in my ministry life first! Every vocation in life, be it as a priest, husband, wife, businessperson, teacher, father or mother has its own challenges - the same goes for those in mission fields. As human beings, we have relationships with families and loved ones, illnesses and difficult problems in life that seem unresolved for years. At times, the more we pray, the more silent God seems. Have you wondered where is God in the painful and difficult moments of your lives? I certainly have.
In the past 6 years or so, I have really felt the Silence of God in a certain aspect of my life - to the point that that I was unable to do something I had always loved in my ministry - writing. In fact, it seemed like there was a huge mental block in my mind and emotional block in my heart that nearly completely stifled my creative desire these past 2 years to write and work on other creative inspirations to proclaim God's Message of Hope and Love. I had to really struggle to do so. In my personal life, it seems like a long period of the "dark night of the soul" that St. John the Cross spoke about. Why is God silent? How much more can my loved ones and I take of the situation? What if the worst fears became a reality? In times of great trials, we are tested the most in our faith.
Did I want to give up on my fulltime ministry life? I give thanks to Jesus that it was not something I thought about. The Call of God is hard to explain for it feels that your heart is no longer your own - it is for Jesus! Yet I had questions about my faith - the doubts and fears I was having because it involved someone I loved so much and if any of my decisions were a factor. The despair I would feel. the worries and emotional toll on my loved ones and on myself. Why is God allowing this situation to get worse?
Recently I spoke to a priest. I had not planned on it but it just came out of me and I actually wept as I spoke. The priest did not say much but I truly felt then the overpowering Comfort and Love of Jesus enveloping me - like I was in Jesus' Embrace. The priest told me to continue to pray for Jesus will answer our prayers. At that point, I realized one important point. I was being defeated because I already assumed the worst would happen. I had forgotten that my God, Jesus, is the Lord of Miracles and Hope! In his wisdom-filled words, the priest brought great solace to my heart.
Was the so-called Silence of God these past 6 years a waste? As I spent more personal time in prayer and meditation, the Holy Spirit revealed something to me. God in His Silence was actually drawing me closer to Him and He was also drawing my loved ones and me closer to Him and to each other. Jesus was helping me to surrender completely - to make Him the Centre of my life. It was in these times of silence, I turned to God's Word to find strength. It was in finding great peace when the priest told me yesterday not to look at my doubts and fears in these difficult years as my mistakes but rather as a weakness - a very understandable one as it involves a much loved person. God understands that even in ministry, our loved ones are very important to us. .
The reason I spoke to the priest briefly yesterday was to share that when I went back to my office after the first meeting, I was prompted to reflect on the Book of Job - to read one chapter a day and to read about Elijah. More importantly on that day, in His Silence, Jesus revealed Himself to me through the following during my prayers and reflection:
"My son, hold fast to your duty,
busy yourself with it, grow old while doing your task. Admire not how sinners
live, but trust in the LORD and wait for his light;
For it is easy with the
LORD suddenly in an instant, to make a poor man rich.
God’s blessing is the lot
of the just man and in due time his
hopes bear fruit."
(Sirach 11:20-22)
"It is the LORD who marches
before you; he will be with you and will never fail you
or forsake you. So do
not fear or be dismayed."
(Deuteronomy 31:8)
"He who submits himself to God
in all things is certain that whatever men say
or do against him will always turn to his
advantage."
Saint Vincent de Paul
Saint of the Day (Laudate App)
I had asked the priest, "Why is God so silent?" In less than an hour, after experiencing Jesus' Loving Embrace, our Lord in His Silence drew me close to Him and spoke to me His Word. that showed me beyond a doubt that I am never alone. Jesus is always in my heart and with me - that His Grace is all I would ever need in my life and He will make all things good. For my journey to my Eternal Home in Heaven, I needed to also experience "the dark night of the soul." it is not about me being able to control what happens in my life on earth but for me to learn to trust that Jesus is the One who was, is and will always be in control of my life - through His tangible actions and even in His Holy Silence!
Well, the blessed outcome is not that my difficult family problem has been resolved but that my heart and mind feels peace and that very night, I created my first Christian reflection music video after two years. As you would have all noticed, I have written a post today too!
The beautiful music video above - "GOD OF SILENCE" composed by a Jesuit priest Fr. Manoling Francisco SJ of Bukas Palad Ministry, Philippines is truly touching! I heard it the first time after I spoke to the priest. For me, it was a sign from Jesus that He is always close to me. Praise God! Please do take a few minutes to experience Jesus' Presence in the stillness of your heart.
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*****Details about Bukas Palad Ministry,
Philippines*****
The Bukas Palad Music Ministry (Filipino for "generous";
literally, "open palm") is a Roman Catholic contemporary
worship musical group in the Philippines that composes, records, and
performs original religious music. Since 1986, Bukas Palad has
recorded over a dozen albums with the Jesuit Music Ministry of Jesuit
Communications Foundation, a ministry of the Philippine Province of
the Society of Jesus, based in Ateneo de Manila University. The group
has performed in over a hundred solo concerts across the country and overseas
in Japan, Hong Kong, the United States, and Canada.
