MAKE IT THY BUSINESS TO KNOW THYSELF...- Miguel de Cervantes

Exactly one week into the New Year and I honestly felt like I wanted to be back in 2012 again. So it has been an unsettling few weeks so far. Yet I felt God truly very close to me these past two days - and I feel His Love leading me to "know myself" so that I can  learn to live for Him. To really know myself, I must start  by first emptying myself. I must have the courage and the will to change myself first. I must be willing to accept It is also not about how others see me because that means I am looking to conform to the standards of the world. That is not too difficult because I can just do what pleases others to fit in. For me to live a life pleasing to God, I need to understand in the innermost part my heart, "How should I live so that others can experience Christ through me - my life and whatever I do? The only way I can fully answer and live God's Call is to "know myself fully" from God's perspective.  I have been praying and trying to learn true humility but as each year goes by, I realize that true humility seems elusive to me. Perhaps it will always be for me in my lifetime - yet I have faith that God will not give up on me.  I will continue to strive so that one day I can truly be able to answer the call God has placed in my heart.  

On Tuesday night (22Jan), during Holy Mass when the priest asked us to "paste" our whole life onto the host of bread each of us were holding and praying  before the Consecration of the Eucharist, I suddenly felt this powerful surge of "knowledge" flow from deep within my heart to my brain and onto the host! I no longer felt lost, confused and afraid. From deep within, I knew Jesus would help me to truly understand myself - to give me the strength to keep trying and to change where I needed to. I had often heard this words echoing in my heart ' "Don't give up, Susan." I know that God's Grace in us can help each of us to achieve amazing things in His Name. I remembered a book I absolutely loved reading and had re-read over and over and over again (before I returned it to the priest I borrowed it from a year later!) - Philp Yancey's book  titled "What's So Amazing About Grace?" There are very few writers who have truly touched my heart as Philip Yancey did writing about God's Grace. It gave me REAL hope because I know I am far from being a saint! I struggle often internally if I am worthy to serve in fulltime ministry - about what exactly is my call? But in this book,  the Word of God "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak" (1 Corinthians 9:16) seem to be the main Promise of God to all of us! Yancey explores grace through real-life people who exemplified by their actions and their life, the life-transforming power of Grace in our world.

God's Grace is unmerited but if I am willing to open my heart and my life, God will pour His abundant grace into me so that I can be a blessing to others - no matter what trials or circumstances I face in life; no matter the mistakes I make in life over and over again - God will not give up on me or you or anyone else for that matter! The only question is am I willing to be the clay in God's Hands?  Will I have the humility to learn the 'REAL LESSON" of knowing myself as I am in God's eyes? Can I truly reach out to others empowered By God's Grace?

The months and years ahead are not going to be easy  - I need to learn the most difficult lesson in my life - "to know myself". The YouTube music video, "Grace" by Laura Story, which a friend shared in Facebook really captured a true snapshot of my life's journey with God. The lyrics of the song are also given below the video. 

GRACE (By Laura Story)

My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things You do through me as great things I have done.

And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me

And hold me as my Father and mould me as my Maker.

[Chorus:]

I ask You: "How many times will You pick me up, 

When I keep on letting You down?

And each time I will fall short of Your Glory, 

How far will forgiveness abound?"

And You answer: " My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face, 

You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, 

Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.

For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.

And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

[Chorus:]

I ask You: "How many times will You pick me up, 

When I keep on letting You down?

And each time I will fall short of Your Glory, 

How far will forgiveness abound?"

And You answer: " My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face, 

You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your Grace really means.

The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary.

So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You

By giving up my life to You for all that You've given to me.

[Chorus:]

I ask You: "How many times will You pick me up, 

When I keep on letting You down?

And each time I will fall short of Your Glory, 

How far will forgiveness abound?"

And You answer: " My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face, 

You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

"Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world"

Miguel de Cervantes

NEW BEGINNINGS

The years will never take away 

our chance to start anew

It's only the beginning now

So dreams can still come true

-Gertrude B. McClain-

A caterpillar has to go through the pupa stage to become a butterfly - it has to really struggle out of its cocoon to be the beautiful butterfly that brings colour and joy into the world! As a child, I loved seeing the colourful butterflies fluttering from flower to flower in our garden and then seem to dance in the bright sunshine. I would feel such light joy in my heart.  Today, I also realized that is how it is in life. We must remember we can be "butterflies" in different places and try to bring joy to others.

We must know when it is time to move on and make a new beginning because remaining stagnant can be detrimental to our own self-worth and growth. We may think we are contributing in a meaningful way but that may not be so to those in authority or we could be doing something out of a sense of responsibility but forgetting we must truly follow our heart! 

I met a beautiful young woman a couple of days back who had taken 5 months off to travel in India to find herself and what would make her happy in her life. It made me remember the times in my life when I had the great self-confidence to do just that. Perhaps age tends to make us settle for the safe and the tried and to live in our comfort zone and not be quite so daring about taking risks.

Well, even comfort zones can feel like a combat zone suddenly.  Hence, our heart and mind must be prepared when life has to be a new beginning so that we can try anew to be blessings to others. God has said, “I will never leave you; I will never abandon you.” Let us then be bold and say. “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.’” (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Writing this post reminds me of a dear friend who for the longest while is trying to discern regarding her career's direction and to answer God's Call in a deeper way. I truly hope 2013 will be for her a new joyous challenge to whatever it may be - and for many of us!

It is hard to go through change. I used to cry before each new posting to a different country  about a month or two  before I had to make the move...well, because there was always so many good friends and beautiful memories in each place I had to leave behind to start anew. Yet, on the day I had to leave, I was always very calm and collected while it was my close friend who would shed a few tears amidst the hugs and kisses. I am not sure why - perhaps because I had already cried all my tears out and usually said my goodbyes to most loved ones at home not at the airport. Most of the countries I moved to were a not a problem to live in. I loved what I did and there were always good friends  to uplift and encourage me. I still keep in touch with these friends who are priceless to me!

Well, God will not make us go through the painful "pupa" stage for nothing. For out of pain, has often come the greatest artistic, creative and human achievements in man's history. It helps each of us to take a look at ourselves - how we really are to others. Then, we have to decide once and for all - are we ready for a fresh new beginning to start from scratch - with no regrets of the past? Are we ready to aim for the stars once again?

The deeply reflective YouTube video above, NEW BEGINNINGS by Gertrude B McClain, adapted from "It Is Time For A Fresh Start" is truly worth spending a few contemplative moments as we start 2013. 

“We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him.”

(Romans 8:28)