WHEN GOD’S PLAN IS DIFFERENT…

I have been doing a lot of personal reflection again about my life this month of June. In fact, I am amazed that I could do so much given that it was a super hectic month for me. Well, that is something I am sure all my SES classmates are also doing a lot of this year – as I reach the golden milestone tomorrow!

Where have the years gone by so quickly? Have I fulfilled my cherished dreams? Have I truly loved living my life to the full? Have I been too busy for the people who truly matter to me? Have I stopped and made a difference to people who needed my help? Have I dared to live for what I believe in? Have I been open to surrender my life to God and to change within myself? Most of all, have I been true to my conscience? These and what seems like a hundred more questions have been stirring my soul greatly…

It seemed a strange “coincidence” but during the Inner Healing session last Thursday, our director focussed part of the session on our death, lying in the coffin and looking into the kind of life we had led. I was very taken aback – this was usually never a part of the Inner Healing session – often it focussed on our parents’ deaths. Obviously God was speaking to me(!) because that has been on my mind a lot – would my life be one that mattered to God in how I  tried to live for Him? Have I tried my best to live a life of quiet humility, of service, of loving others with a gentleness and acceptance without judging or expecting them to conform to my standards? I look back at my life and I know one thing for sure – I have failed many times to be perfectly pleasing to God. But what matters is I am trying consciously to change – that is the painful part and the enriching part! 

I have always been a firm believer in CHANGE especially during my career. Doing the same thing is boring, it makes us mediocre and just working in maintenance mode and eventually the company will become a piece of deadwood. We must be creative, be willing to pursue new and higher goals, be willing to take risks and to aim to be the best! Well, why should it be different in our journey of faith – when it is what will lead us to Eternal Life in Heaven?  There is now a burning desire within me - "Am I striving to live for Christ with the goal to be what He wants me to be?"

There is something very different about secular life and living a life of faith. That is what Fr. Augustine shared so beautifully with my friends and me on 20 June. Father shared that when we live for Christ, we need to know what God wants of us. We must stop from being “Martha’ always doing some activity for God and be more like “Mary” – sitting at the Feet of Jesus and listening to Him. We must forget about being efficient and doing great things. Are we listening to God? We need to have true discernment. Often we may not know the answer and Fr. Augustine shared the difficulties he has encountered being the Director of the mission. There were times he did not know what to do with so many needs from Divine’s evangelization and charitable ministries. At those moments, Father would shut his door (after carrying out his mission work) to remain in prayer and eventually God will show the way – it may take days! What Is needed is patience on our part with God and He will show the way! We need to turn to Jesus and pray.

At times I wonder – how much of time does one sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament in silence allowing Jesus to speak to our hearts and by reflecting on the Bible? Often I see people praying endlessly from prayer books and other devotions. It seems like a one-way conversation of offering up intentions and asking God to answer them. One of the greatest gifts I learnt in Divine is the beauty of remaining still in the Presence of Jesus and allowing Jesus to speak to my heart and to guide and lead me in my ministry. I was a “Martha”...I probably still am in terms of work but then so are all the VC priests in this Divine mission - each with huge responsibilities. But one thing is different - it is my attitude to my ministry. I have learnt that God has His time and I need to have the faithfulness, obedience and humility to pray, wait and do everything at the time God wants me to and how He wants me to do it. It is not easy but perseverance is also a gift from God!

I was used to always being in a leadership role in my career and now I have learnt that I am His servant. God has chosen us to be His people. It Is not for us to decide who will be worthy to serve Christ. None of us are worthy but if God is giving us a chance, who are we, mere humans, to stop others under the pretext that we are doing it in God’s Name? This knowledge was imprinted in my heart when I spoke to Fr. Augustine sometime in my 1^st year in Divine (in 2004). I asked Father why did he have lay volunteers who seemed more a hindrance than a help to the Divine mission? It drove me crazy! I never forgot Father’s answer and it helped me greatly when I struggled to change I how I served God. Fr. Augustine’s reply to me was, “Susan, God sent all of them to be a part of this mission. As the Director, I have to look at the lowest denominator and help every volunteer to do their best. I have to mould them, teach them and encourage them to serve God as best they can. God sent them here and I am merely His steward. I too was called by God to serve here as the Director. I must do my best to help them to live their mission.”

It was at that precise moment that I realized why it is such a joy to work for this mission – especially for our Director, Fr. Augustine, who never stresses me with what I should be to serve God. Believe me, God has been very patiently pruning and moulding me but He has not stopped me from serving Him! I do get stressed trying to cope with working for a super-busy priest but it has reduced greatly due to Father’s unflappable belief that I can achieve/complete whatever Divine projects with seemingly impossible deadlines/goals because God will help our mission! It definitely keeps me always rooted in depending on Christ. Every one of us – regardless of our so-called skills and talents – are loved for being a child of God. The VC Fathers are non-judgemental, nurturing and very caring in helping us live our Call. They teach us by their lives (not by words) to be detached from worldly attachments and to live with God’s Spirit in control of our lives. We can see it so clearly in the VC Fathers in Divine – they are very humble, gentle, loving, joyful and peaceful. It has shown me that in any aspect of our life journey, we cannot put ourselves above others - especially in areas of faith, service and mission but to journey together with a shared vision of Christ.

I have learnt to let go of being irritable and frustrated at people and learning to pray for God’s Grace and Power to help each of us and our mission. When I started doing so, I felt great calm and a quiet joy in my heart. All the stress I used to feel just went away. Now I know for sure stress is caused when our spirit is not united with God’s Spirit. As Fr. Augustine often preaches, “We must surrender completely to God and allow God to be in total control of our lives!” There is no ifs and buts to this – we must never allow another person to control our lives. Each of us MUST learn to discern by the Power of God’s Spirit and His Word what God‘s Plan is for us. Our Lord speaks to each and every one of us.

Often I have found that my plan and God’s Plan are different! I had been planning to return to Singapore on this date today since late November 2010. It was my own human thinking because I felt it would have been 8 years and logically, I had to return one day. In fact, I was preparing myself mentally and I was to the point when I felt I could perhaps leave without crying endlessly at doing so because I love the Divine mission greatly. Well, God had obviously a vastly different plan and last year proved it! It took a while for me to stop feeling shell-shocked and realizing I was praying for God’s strength to be able to move on but I did not ask God if that is His Plan for me! Many people were saying I had to return to my usual life as I am not from India. Well, God left me in no doubt.

I am not too old that I cannot become a better person with the Grace of God. I am not ready to sit back and say the best is over. No indeed – the best is yet to come! I aim to live every moment of my life for God with full enthusiasm, full energy, full faith and with full love. After all is it not true for me what God told St. Paul? “My grace is all you need, for my power is strongest when you are weak.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9)  

This deeply comforting YouTube music video below  – “WHEN GOD HAS ANOTHER PLAN “ by The Greenes truly touched my heart when I heard it for the first time a few days ago.   The lyrics below is what I have learnt in my life:

When God Has Another Plan, Walk On And Just Say Yes
When God Has Another Plan, Be Assured That He Knows Best
When All Your Dreams Are Shattered, Rest In His Sufficient Grace
We Don’t Have To Understand, When God Has Another Plan

For me - I only want to learn to live as a servant of Christ. God has given me a wonderful life filled with great blessings. I have NO regrets.

I just got this after writing this post few minutes ago in an online meditation I subscribe to. How wonderful God is – surely He is showing me He is definitely with me at this moment! 

What I desire most is to be faithful and to finish the race. It doesn't matter if I finish running or crawling; all I want is to finish and hear the Father say to me, 
“Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23).
 — from Hiking the Camino

I dedicate this post to all my friends and loved ones who have shared with me much joy and strength in my life...