I shall be having a very special time with Jesus from tonight until Sunday (09-12Feb). It is a time of special grace - the annual volunteers' retreat for all of us who serve in this retreat centre. Looking back pre-1998, I cannot imagine how I lived my life not experiencing an annual retreat each year. Truly, it just seems unimaginable to me now! It is from my very first retreat that our Lord answered so wonderfully the ONE prayer I had and thus changed my life forever.
I have shared before my ignorance of this retreat centre when I first came here in 1998. I still distinctly remember arriving here and finding this retreat centre so different from anything that I had been to before. In 1998 unlike now, everything was very simple and basic. I could not understand why from the moment my mother and I came through the gates, a strange joy and peace enveloped my heart. I was rather jaded in my outlook to life then - I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from an extremely, hectic, time-consuming career and the extreme shock of the sudden death of my elder sister. I was still searching for a deeper meaning for why I existed here on earth. Who was "I" the person? My soul was very restless though I did not realize that then.
The one prayer I asked Jesus when I came here was for the grace to be able to pray without being distracted. Till today, I do not know why I asked for that. I certainly was not a prayerful person or deeply into practising my faith. Like many cradle Catholics, I seemed to be a Catholic because I was born as one. i was very stressed and worn out and I had a chronic back pain for 13 years - yet none of this came to my mind for healing. I just wanted to be able to pray without distraction. This prayer was answered instantly before the retreat even started! As I prayed in the 2nd floor chapel (which Is happily now where my office is next to!), I felt a huge sense of peace and a deep stillness in my heart. The chapel was very crowded with retreatants throughout the week and I usually do not like being in the midst of a crowd - yet I spent every single free moment in it. To say that my mother was shocked was putting it mildly! Here was her daughter who would groan and grumble when my parents used to ask me to join in the daily family Rosary whenever I was back home. Now I was silent throughout the retreat and always in prayer at every free moment.
For some reason, on the Thursday morning, I stopped saying my prayers for the 30 petitions of family and friends that I had collected ( I was offering up 1 Our Father, 1 Hail Mary and 1 Glory Be per petition). I clearly remember sitting directly in front of the Blessed Sacrament and speaking to Jesus in my heart - "Lord, I am not going to say all those prayers today as You already know what everyone needs. Today, I am going to sit in front of You for You to speak to me." It is when I had my FIRST deep spiritual awakening. I heard distinctly a gentle voice in my heart, "Susan, do you remember the day you came into this Centre?" As we had been travelling for over a week in India, I had lost track of the dates. I sat there counting from the date we arrived in India and the subsequent days' events. Just as I realized that I came to Divine on 14 February 1998 - Valentine's Day, this same gentle voice with incredible love in it told me, "Yes, and this is My Gift of Love to you!" From that moment until today, I have this great inexplicable love for Jesus - I recognized His Voice instantly! Valentine's Day is always special to me - because Jesus chose this day to reveal Himself to me by bringing me to Divine. I was also completely healed of my chronic back pain. In a few days, it will be 14 years! It is His Love that fills my heart, my mind and my being every single day. Until today, I am able to tune out in the noisiest surrounding to find the special space in my heart - the utter stillness and quiet of being one with Jesus. It has helped me through the most difficult and painful periods of my life ever since. It is also where I find great perseverance to never give up trying to do my best for God.
Meditating on God's Word daily brings incredible peace, strength and zeal into our lives - it is by being totally obedient to God's Word that we are truly doing His Will. Obedience to the Word of God and to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church matters ABOVE everything else if we are truly committed to do the Will of God.When Jesus instituted the Church and Priesthood, He said - "And so I tell you, Peter: you are a rock and on this rock foundation I will build my church, and not even death will ever be able to overcome it. I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of heaven; what you prohibit on earth will be prohibited in heaven, and what you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven." (Matthew 16:18-19)
Being totally obedient to do the Will of God at all times is not at all easy. We need to acquire a servant heart full of humility. I do not need to try to understand God with my intellect or with human common sense. No one is going to come to Jesus in this way. To love Jesus is to experience Him! I must have true faith that comes from my heart for that is God's Home in me. I must live according to my own conscience and never allow the influence of others to tell me how to be a disciple of Christ based on other factors. That is my heart's desire - to always obey and do the Will of God so that I will not be afraid to lay open my life in total humility before a Spiritual Director (a priest) in EVERY single aspect of my faith journey - the TRUTH will always set me free!
The heart-stirring YouTube music video below - "STILL" by Hillsong really sums it all for me especially the following verse:
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
it is in the stillness of my heart that I find Jesus - my Saviour, My Comforter, My Master and My Friend! If you have not yet done so, do try each day to spend silent time meditating in front of the Blessed Sacrament - it will be the most grace-filled and empowering moments of your prayer life!
